The Weirdest Ones...Are The Most Colorful

2007-10-08T21:33:00.000-06:00

Suicide Note

Garrett tried to commit suicide. Right now I have no clue whether he will live or die. I have no clue what the will of God is in this situation, and I'm desperate to know...or not know...or just to have an answer...that I might not want to know or hear...

I've cried plenty over it...and I want to cry more and more. It feels good to cry like this.
I think of the good times, and a smile crosses my face. I think of him in his current state, and the tears well up.....

Elipses seem to capture the moment. It's just a numb state I feel. Until the pain is great enough that I start to cry. And want to reach out and tell him how much he's loved...and then wonder how he forgot that. I think about what could have happened to him...to take him to such a dark place. Then I wonder if he was always that way...even when he was smiling and around me.

I love him. So much. I'll tell anyone that.
But maybe I shouldn't tell James that....

2007-05-13T12:31:00.000-06:00

Guys, I've been having a bad past few weeks. I've just kinda been down and slightly depressed a lot it seems. And a lot of it is just stuff inside my head. Me getting to me. Ya know?
Like, Dirk spent the night twice in those two weeks, and was really nice, but it doesn't need to happen again. And I'm glad Carrie said something or else it might have just gotten worse. but get this. I've sent him a few texts recently, and haven't heard back from him. That doesn't happen with him. He always always replies with something. Important words or not, it's still a response... So I'm not sure what's going on there. Doing my best to not read in to anything... Whatever.
Things with Curt didn't turn out as I had hoped, but not hard/awkward feelings, so we're good to go.
We met this guy while helping a friend move out of her apt, and we've been hanging out with him a ton ever since. He's starting to annoy me. And I don't know what to do about it.
I hate drama.
Finally played Guitar Hero. Lots o' fun. I plan on getting a PS2 now.
Going on a cruise soon where I'm going to have to be the camera girl nearly 24/7. Excited. Nervous. And more.
Mom says I should dress nice. But I feel fat and not cute in so much that I own. I do need to dress better...but I just never get the urge.
Saw Austin, and nearly everyone else from 2007 graduate yesterday. Very excited about all of that. Got to hug Austin twice. My day was made. lol
I'm going to a concert tonight. Pretty excited. Trying to find others to go with me. Why is that so hard?
Ok...I'm going to catch up on Lost I guess.
Peace!

2007-03-17T14:57:00.000-06:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Whoooo

Probably going to a party tonight. Gonna be fun. Whee.
Kinda feel bad about not going to work as much as I should have this week. Oh well. Too late now. Might just say I was sick on Friday, but I truly do hate to lie. So, I guess we shall see.
Story of the week:
I got a new computer!!! Whooooo! It's a Sony Vaio. Which I've been wanting one of ever since I saw the first commercial for them. I feel so cool. Now I just have to transfer all the files on my old comp onto this one. Ya know, things like games, torrent stuff, pictures, and music. Currently still trying to figure all those details out. :) Horrah!
Went shopping at Hot Topic the other day. Got some great layering stuff. I feel proud. lol
Oh yea! Last Monday me, Car, and Mak all rode the train to Dallas and then rode the dart as north as lover's lane looking for a kinko's. Never found one, so we just turned around and came back home. It was so much fun! Reminded me a lot of my time in Japan and our times on the train. Pretty darn cool.
After that, me and Kris went on our date. I know I mentioned it last blog, but I guess I could give you more details now. He was currently house sitting for a family with a VERY nice house. We went to Pei Wei, then over to the house, where I beat him in pool (mwahahaha) and then we tried to watch SAFE (horrid movie) and then we went hot tubbing. We sat on our separate sides of the hot tub, and chatted a bit. It was quite enjoyable.
There you go. I'm gonna get back to watching TV now. lol I am always ever-so-productive on Saturdays. Hmm. Oh well.

2007-03-15T20:16:00.000-06:00

My dearest apologies...

So so so much has happened in the last few months since I wrote in here. I sometimes long to write in here again. To get all my emotions and feelings out onto the page. It helps me deal with them that much easier. It really does feel like a release sometimes to get all this stuff out. And I can't do it on myspace ot facebook. Those are way too public to be able to write anything of importance to me, unless it involves piercings and the like. Which, by the way, just for reference sake, I got my lip pierced last Tuesday night! I loved it the most that night. And it's growing back on me, I guess. I do like it, I'm just trying to get used to it. And I keep wondering if it'll push away that one guy that might be the One. And then I step back and think how silly that is, that such a trivial thing as a piercing would turn away the one God has for me.
But still. I'm very curious who that One is.
I can tell you it wasn't Neo. That ended at the end of January. As weird as it sounds, he just liked me way too much. Then me and Ricky got "back together". Chatting and hanging out and such. Not a good idea, at all. Haven't talked to him much since his girlfriend broke up with him. Not really missing him.
Then me and Kris starting talking more than usual. And flirting using facebook, myspace, aim, Anaba (my rabbit I got on Valentine's day...for myself!), you name it. And then he asked me out on a date last Monday. It went very well, and then me, him, Mak, Car, and Josh all when for Sushi and beers last night. And that pretty fun, too. The girls were asking me if we were together, and I had to explain to them that me and Kris are just hanging out for now and we're gonna see if anything comes of it. And I told them that I want something to come of it, but we'll find out. And you know, I like it like that. No more jumping into relationships. I wanna start taking my time. And I've noticed I tend to take more time when I'm starting to get into a relationship I could see going somewhere. So there. I'll try my best to keep you updated. PROMISE.
I've been working at the radio station and at the TV station since the new year. And all that is going fabulously. I interviewed Underoath! Fabulous! *big smile*
Went to R-san's birthday party last weekend. Sooo much fun. One of the best ever. Prolly because I got to hug Derek at the end. And I always love doing that. The whole making out with the guy who's name I can't remember. Not so cool. But whatever. I'm not focusing on it. And I didn't even want to make out that night. I'm kinda proud of myself. Not gonna lie.
Anyway. I guess that's all for now. I'm currently listening to my school's radio station cuz Kris and his roomy are on right now being total dorks. It's fabulous. Here goes!!!

2006-11-20T16:12:00.000-06:00

Ok. So here I sit. Having not blogged in absolutely forever. And myspace does NOT count. Thing is, even in that I haven't blogged but just a few times. So here I am again. Missing you, my dearest blogspot, and the ways in which you have always been that listening ear for me at any time of day for the past 5 years. You are so faithful, and I have not been such to you. Ok. I think that's enough of that. lol Let's move on to what's happened to me in the past few months, shall we?

Hokay. As for that whole Dirk thing...it's over. And it's been over since before school began. We dated for a whole two weeks. Wow. lol It was fun while it lasted though, and he was a complete and total sweetheart. I couldn't have asked for more. So, why did we break up, you ask? Because it just wasn't right. I guess since I've been single for so long, I'm really holding out for relationships that really mean something. And me and Dirk, well, I really really liked him, buuut, I just could NOT see us staying together forever, ya know? And not that I'm looking to get either engaged or married right now in the least, but I still have to keep it in mind...I AM graduating college soon! (less than a month!) I feel I can't just be wasting my time dating this guy and that guy. So, moral of the story, I broke up with him, he agreed it was probably the right thing to do, and we continue to talk and hang out to this day. It's all good.
Story #2: Drew. Wow. What do I say about that? He came into my life. Stirred it up a bit. Lied to me a bit. And then disappeared. He's gone. I'm better for it. Moving along.
Story #3: Ricky. Again, wow. I worked with him at the movie theatre, and after I quit we got to talking a lot on AIM. We were attracted to one another and began to act on it...even though I knew he had a girlfriend. --bad Rakkel!-- We had many, many convos on AIM and then he started acting weird and kinda girly and I realized I was only using him trying to get some emotional and physical "intimacy" in my life, so I finally cut that off. Hm. That's the second guy I cut off and out of my life in three months. Thank goodness it hasn't become a pattern. This proven by...
Story #4: Neo. Who is amazing. I met him at a Halloween party where I was dressed as a goth, or as we like to call it, Trinity. *big smile* I noticed his awesome costume, and how cute he was (which he doesn't think so! ?!), and started talking to him. Carrie came out of the house and said there was dancing inside so I asked him to dance, and he actually agreed to! I was shocked! So we danced, and after a little while, I could tell he wasn't really into it like some other guys (though, they might have been a little too into it...) Well, to be blunt, I wanted to kiss him, so I bluntly asked if he ever kissed girls at parties. He said no...and that he had never been kissed beofre. Ah! What do I do?! Do I take his NBK membership away?! Do I just keep dancing?! Ah! lol Well, he was pretty darn cute and he was being a gentleman, soooo I kissed him. A lot. hehe Soon after, we parted ways and me and Carrie went home. He found me on facebook not too long after and then asked me out on a date for Wednesday. We went and had such a good time! P.S: Borat=NOT a good (date) movie. Then I hung out at his house the next Friday where he asked when it could all be considered official. That's a good question. I don't know. College dating is still all so weird and new to me, ya know. So, I said "it's official when you ask, I guess." To which, he replied, "can it be official?" lol He's so cute.
And so there we were. Three days and two dates in; boyrfriend and girlfriend. A little quick, I kinda think, but everything is going smooth and slow, so I don't have any objections. Then came meeting the family. I know, I know. I know what you're thinking, but it's cuz they were so excited to meet his first girlfriend and he said his mom had actually never been up to see him, so I was comfortable with the whole situation. I met his brothers, his brother's girlfriend, his mom, and his mom's boyfriend. His brother Anthony kept looking at me and I'd catch him and he look away and smile. You could tell he was kinda in shock that his twin brother had a girlfriend. Maybe he was checking to see if I was genuine? Like Neo's a millionaire or something. lol I don't know, but I found it funny, and tried to make the whole situation as least awkward as possible. :)
So there you have it. I'm dating a very cute band nerd. And I like it! --END--

2006-10-10T15:49:00.000-06:00

This explains a LOT:

http://www.buffalo.edu/reporter/vol32/vol32n9/n7.html
"This is because when they are introduced to an external stimulant, the feelings of pleasure produced are extremely intense compared to what they normally experience. They are overwhelmed by a craving so profound that the pursuit of the stimulant begins to take over their lives. They seem to lose control over their own behavior. The brain actually changes.
"It is further postulated," he says, "that such individuals are vulnerable not just to extremely addictive drugs like heroin or cocaine, which as I said, can addict even normal brains, but to weaker stimulants as well—alcohol, nicotine, gambling, sex, food. In this case, too, the pleasure they receive from exposure to these stimulants so far exceeds what they normally feel that a craving is set up even to the lesser stimulants."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3571.html
Volkow's research has also shown that addicts have fewer dopamine D2 receptors, which are found in parts of the brain involved in motivation and reward behavior. With fewer receptors, the dopamine system is desensitized, and the now-understimulated addict needs more and more of the drug to feel anything at all. Meanwhile, pathways associated with other interesting stimuli are left idle and lose strength. The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain associated with judgment and inhibitory control—also stops functioning normally.

2006-09-22T11:52:00.000-06:00

Jason Illian wrote this in a bulletin. It's fabulous. And descibes me. So here ya go:

We often use "God is in control" because it masks the hurt, pain, and emotions that come with falling in love. Many of us have the false belief that unconditional, sacrificial love is void of pain, and that if God truly loves us, He'll make the match-making process easy. But this isn't Biblical. God's number one priority is to make us holy, not just happy, and He is constantly cultivating and refining our hearts. When we experience pain, we remember the deep need for Christ. Many Christians suppress their emotions with cookie-cutter responses because their sadness and hurt make them feel inadequate and confused. But it is okay to feel inadequate and confused. All of us, whether we admit it or not, have asked, "Why are you doing this God?", "Why can't I find my soul mate?", "Why do you let me continue to hurt?" Our inadequacy allows for God's provisions, and our transparency is part of what draws others to Christ in us. We need to embrace our true feelings, not just shun them.

2006-08-04T23:24:00.000-06:00

Lots.

Sorry goes out to my blog for not wishing it a happy birthday on the 27th of July. It turned a grand ol' 5 years old.
The house is doing good. It will be in even better shape after my momma gets here next weekend. We'll do it up real fine. :)

The "something there" about Dirk has come to fruition! I have my first official college boyfriend, folks. And I like it. :) He treats me nice and makes me happy. All is well. ...Almost. I really don't know how much I should reveal on here about what kind of stuff me and Andy used to get into (physical-wise), but let's just say as a goody-good Christian girl in high school, I did a lot with him that, well, many people will never (need to) know. A lot of stuff I regret, but nothing that I can't just get over, get past, and learn from, really. With that said...I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this blog...or how much I should reveal...I just knew that this is my outlet, and I needed to let some stuff out. I need to vent a little.
Ok. So. Me and Dirk were doing at little goodbye-making-out by my car, and I suddenly got swept away into that fantasy land we like to call "in the heat of the moment". Luckily I realized it for what it was, and stepped back. It scared me. It took me and Andy months to get to that point. And it only took me and Dirk a week? .....I'm scared. Truly, really am. I don't want to end up doing something I regret. I don't normally ask...but pray for me, please. It's the only thing that's going to get me through unharmed. And I mean every word of that. -End-

2006-07-26T14:15:00.000-06:00

P.S: I turn 21 today!

2006-07-26T14:08:00.000-06:00

Lil' bit tidbit.

So, I don't think anyone reads this anymore since I haven't been updating regularly in a while. Oh well, I'll just have to hurt them. lol
On another note. I got a sign yesterday that quelled my fears about getting into a relationship. I mentioned I was kind of cautious cuz I thought something better might come along right after I got into the first relationship. Well, his name was Mark, and I was holding out for him, basically. But, come to find out, him and Jack just started dating! That was a shocker. I mean, I'm not all that jealous, just surprised. I didn't see that one coming at. all. lol So yea. That tidbit of information quickly put a stop on whatever I had been thinking or seeing in my future with him, and put it all where it belongs; right on Dirk. Is it a sign? I don't know. But there's definitely something there. And I'm happy about it.

2006-07-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

About time!

Dirk finally told me that he likes me. It was pretty cute. It was after his best friend's wedding. We came back to my house to just chill and we talked from about 10 pm to 1 that morning. About lots of different stuff. He gets pretty deep and philosophical about lots of stuff. After we had talked for quite a while, he quickly mumbled, "and I like you." "huh? What? What was that?" "You heard me." lol I told him I had been waiting for him to finally say it. And he seemed shocked. He said, "I call you all the time." But I'm a girl. I need more proof than just that to know if someone likes me or not. Then he said, "I like you more everytime I hang out with you. If we keep hanging out, I might even like you more." It was cute/funny. So then he finally left. We hugged. And he texted me soon after with, "I had a great time with you tonight! Let's see each other again soon ok?" You betcha!
Yesterday I wanted to text him something random cuz I was thinking about him, but I just thought it might be too much too soon. And then this morning I get a text from him! "Hope you have a great day!" !! :) He was thinking about me at 10 this morning!! Such a sweetheart.
So, that's all the good of the situation. Now it's time to explain the bad.
I'm too cautious. I've been single for so freaking long now that I feel if I get "tied down" with a boyfriend now I'm going to miss something better that's coming at me right around the corner. How horrible is that?! That's like saying, "you're not good enough. I'm expecting better." But if I just keep waiting, I might miss out on even more. So, it's a tough call to make. He's not the hottest guy I've even been interested in. But he treats me right. And we might soon go on our separate ways. So why can't we have fun now?
I don't know. I'll let yall know how it goes. I promise. In fact, I might even be writing in here a lot more than I have been recently. Now that I've got something interesting to write about. :)

2006-06-28T20:56:00.000-06:00

Emo vs. Angst

The house is looking great. Levi Smith is playing on my radio. My computer works again. I've got three jobs that are all working very well together. I've got an electric bill below 200 dollars. I've got a great friend in that Carrie girl, I sure do. Her boyfriend is cool, too. It's cute when he confides in me about her. My life is consistently drama-free, I enjoy keeping it that way. I've also got some friggin awesome friends at CF. I have finally comes to terms with my singleness. We're like this *crosses fingers*. haha
On the flip side, I'm slowly becoming emo. No. Scratch that. I'm slowly becoming angsty. Like, mid-life crisis angsty. If that makes any sense.
Let me explain: (and judge if you must)
I'm used to having easy jobs. Not necessarily easy as in the tasks and duties, although they were, but I mean in the concept of what to wear, how to act, no upselling, no numbers to meet, no unpleasant managers to deal with, etc. However, that is all changing; and I'm learning a lot about myself.
I'm learning about what I believe in, and how I react to things of which I don't believe in. I'm used to being of the frame of mind that if it's not fun, or if you don't want to do it with all of your heart and soul and body, then you just shouldn't do it. There's no use. You're just going to be unhappy and make other people unhappy in your wake. Now I know why hippies don't have jobs. They believe in something; strongly, and don't back down. I don't want to back down. But I'm feeling pushed to by everywhere I work. I'm feeling claustrophobic in a room with three walls. This crap is all so very temporary, and yet I don't feel that way. I feel like whatever I choose to do now will decide my future forever. I feel that I'll never become that article in the magazines where the starlett's first job was a Nordstom's stocker. I feel this is deciding my fate...and, to be honest, suffocating me.
When I sweep the the floors at B&B, I pretend I'm one of those aspiring rockstars, or hockey players you see in movies, that while sweeping pretend they are famous. They imagine they have attained their life goal, and everyone is cheering them on. Then reality hits again, and everything goes back to poop. Now, as I hope you can see from the first sentences of this blog that my life right now is very far from said "poop" status, but still. There's just something happening to me and in me right now that I apparently can't get a good handle on and it's kind of eating me up inside. Slowly, and not painfully...but definitely eating. I guess I'll let yall know how that all turns out. lol As for me, I need to go to bed. I have to open the station again tomorrow morning. :) Fun times.

2006-06-14T13:04:00.000-06:00

Update time:

There have been many, many things I have wanted to update everyone on. Things I've wanted to say about this or that. But by the time I get home, I'm either too worn out, tired, or just forgot, that I don't write anything. And I apologize. To both you, my reader, and to my blog; whose 5th birthday is coming up soon.

Like right now, for example. I just went over to two more websites. It's like I've been cheating!! *gasp* lol Anyway, I guess I haven't really, cuz I haven't blogged that much over in my myspace. I don't really want to. This site is much more personal than myspace. Only my dear friends, as well as complete strangers, read this page. So I feel a lot safer writing what's on my mind here than there.

I got a job at Bath and Body, of all places. It's okay. I wish they would work me more, actually. So, I'm still trying to obtain a second employer. lol We shall see.

I've been watching the Mavs game. Fun times, man. I hope we win. That'd be really cool. I've been watching the games over at the CF compound. I think one of the guys is really cute. But not many people know that. And it needs to stay that way for a little while longer. Kinda long story. IM me if you want to know. lol

So, obviously, I'm still single. I'm a lot more comfortable with that now. I don't know excatly why, but I came into this summer ensuring myself I'd have a summer fling. Well, I botched that idea, and am actually happy where I'm at right now. So, there ya have it. :)

We'll celebrate Carrie's 21st birthday this Friday. That should be fun.

The house is coming together nicely. My mom came down this weekend and we got a lot accomplished. It looks great.

KJ is doing good. I think she killed my fish, but besides that, nothing she does is too bad to handle. However, we might have a very high electric bill. I keep thinking, "it'll be her fault" and then I realize I'm going to half to pay half the bill, too. So I can't really be so nonchalant about it...

I'm going to a comedy club tomorrow. Comedy Central will be recording it. So I'll let yall know when it will be on TV. And I'm getting in VIP style. Whoever said Hot or Not was useless? *wink*

So, yea. Like if good. I'm working. Trying to eat and pay the bills. I'm currently reading two books. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free.

There ya have it, folks. The officia Rakkel update. I promise to write more in here. I need to really. It helps.

Bye!

2006-05-29T18:57:00.000-06:00

Time Control

You said you were a ninja, and I believed you.
Say you are a pirate, and we'll sail into the blue.
Tell me you're an astronaut, and I'll head straight for NASA.
Anything to be with you.

We parted ways; it had to be done.
The present faded to memories full of fun.
Which faded even more...
Until I forgot, and simply moved on.

But that day had to come.
The rush comes.
The memories...
The pure joy...
The hope.
I invited them to rush in.
Those things that had to suddenly leave me back then.

You make me itch.
Itch for you.
Itch for love.
Itch for your eyes....
The kindest eyes I've ever let myself sink into.

But I didn't sink far enough that I could drown.
No one wants to tread forbidden waters.

I want it to be my turn to discover uncharted waters.
Are there even any left to find?

Sometimes I spot them...
yet they are not inviting.

They toss and turn in the waves of life, warning many to stay away.
Or just me?

Tick, time, tock, passes, tick, never, tock, changing...

2006-04-28T23:42:00.000-06:00

BBC Fun

Wow, I've stopped updating you guys lately. I'm sorry. So, here we go!

I went to HIS formal last night. It was really good. One of the best ever. My date was a really good friend of mine, who I actually consider THE coolest person on campus, so I'm glad we got to hang out for a while and look pretty. :) I was also asked to speak at formal. Each semester a senior is asked to speak about what God has been teaching them, and I spoke about having a passion for people. It went really well.

Carrie and Josh are doing "okay." I'm still looking for a brighter future for them. Not necessarily together. We shall see.

I'm still single. And Walt, or whatever I called him moved back to Lubbock. That was nice. ...

I get to live in a house in Fort Worth this summer!! Whoot! I'm very, very excited about that.

I'm watching BBC America right now. It's hilarious.

Ummm, I'm going to get my hair cut and then dyed pink and white. I'm happy about that idea. But I can't dye it until I know where I'll be working this summer. I've applied to Zumies, (and other places) but I really want to work there. So yea. Wheee.

I think that's about it. I'll try to keep you more updated. Promise. :)

2006-04-14T10:35:00.000-06:00

Congratulations to TL! She was my 16,000th hit! Whooo! Everyone have a great Easter weekend.

2006-04-07T10:49:00.000-06:00

Beware: angst ahead

You now how guys meet that one woman, and they are so enamored by her, that they will do or change anything if they can just be with her? I've met that guy. But wait, he might be moving away. And we really don't hang out that much-at all, but you know, I've been trying to say that's okay. Ya know, we need to be friend first and then we can pursue a relationship. Hello, Rakkel. If he wanted to do that, he would have done it last month. Or even the month before. GAWD! I just want someone in my life! And of course it's Spring now, so everywhere I look on campus couples are walking, talking, and holding hands. And then summer is coming up, and I plan on having some fun! I...might have made some fun plans in my head involving...certain peoples that might now be...CRUSHED! So, alright, alright, it's my fault I feel this way. Make it stop!!! And don't let him move!!!! But, then again, if that's the plan God has....I don't want to get in its way....I hate that. I want my plans to follow through! But, I honestly can't say I don't want His to take over...so, I'm at a loss.

2006-03-23T23:13:00.000-06:00

And who can forget about SWITCHFOOT!!!! The concert was amazing!! So worth the six year wait! lol Whooo!!

2006-03-23T23:03:00.000-06:00

Week After Spring Break

One word: Full. One phrase: Under attack in such a weird way. One life: Getting in the way.
So, after a high experience with God, many people come under attack from the enemy. Some people feel it physically, others mentally. How am I feeling attacked? Boys. I hung out with two Sunday night. One last night at my first Dallas Stars game. And one at church who I'm positive has a crush on me...and I don't like him that way...At All. I'm getting this attention from all these boys...while I'm in the midst of trying to line my life and attention up with God and His plans. It's sooo weird. Not to mention I've been waiting so long to have a cute, Christian guy like me overtly...and I have that...but now's not the right time. Man, he really likes me. Couldn't keep his hands off me. Calls and texts constantly. Calls me beautiful, and gorgeous, and worth waiting for. Aaah!! Why now?! I know...because I'm trying to focus on God. So all these people creeped right in to try to take my attention away. And it's completely up to me who I'm going to concentrate on. And of course I would rather think about the boys...but I need to be thinking about God, and God alone all day long. He should be the only one in my life I need. *breathes*
It's so hard. But it's all working out. I told the one guy it wasn't the right time, since I of course don't want to lead him on. And I'm realizing slowly that the hot guy I like isn't nearly as into me as I am into him, so he's not worth my time right now, except to be friends, and the guy who I went to the Stars game with I need to be careful around since I've liked him since freshman year, and had forgot I liked so much until I saw him again yesterday and all the old feelings came rushing back. I had to hold myself back a few times from making a move. Man, if that isn't being under attack, I don't know what is.
Anyhow, prayer about this would be nice. I know it works, and I believe with God's help, and not running off of my own strength, I can overcome these obstacles. Thank yall. And goodnight.

2006-03-23T23:01:00.000-06:00

SPRING BREAK

One word: Amazing. One Phrase: God showed up. One life: Changed. :)
As was last year, the trip was amazing. God moved, people were healed, as well as saved, and now we've brought it back to TCU's campus, and we are pumped to see the same things happen here on this campus, too. Amen!!!

2006-03-10T14:23:00.000-06:00

I went flying in a plane with a guy I had never met who just got his pilot's license! hehe Wheee! It was incredible. Downtown Fort Worth was gorgeous. And the boy likes me. :) All is well with the world. And now I'm off to Juarez!! Everyone have an awesome Spring Break! Lata!

2006-03-07T19:51:00.000-06:00

Holla back now!

I got my first callback! I tried out for all three movies that the Student Filmaker's Association is casting for, and I got called back for one of them! :) And then my teacher today said that he heard many great things about my audition. Ha! Soo cool! The coolest thing (besides being called back) was when both the casting director and one of the producers said, "That was good. We haven't seen it read like that yet." Whee! That's the goal! Make them remember me. Give them something no one else can! lol Can ya tell i'm excited? Also, my dad came in over the weekend and we got to hang out, and went to Trader's Village where I texted Walt and got a reply. So I know he's still alive! lol But yea, it was real fun. I got my first cowboy hat, blue -of course, and we jsut drove all over Fort Worth, which is something I had been wanting to do for a long time. *big smile* So we drove up and down and around the Stockyards and Downtown, where we stopped to play around by the new RadioShack headquarters building that has a kick-A fountain show with lights and waterfall with a walkway underneath. Yea. It's pretty freaking sweet. So, that's about it for right now. I'm about to go to my HIS meeting. Oh yea, I partied it up Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday night. lol Me and Car had buckets of fun. Good ol' rugby parties. And Makayla. :) Ummm, if I think of anything else, I'll be sure to let ya know! Lata!

2006-03-02T20:39:00.000-06:00

hodge-podge.

Oh. My. I am currently eating the best piece of chocolate I have ever had in my life. It's called Lindt's Lindor. Wow. Ok. I'm done with that now. lol On to today's topics:

There's this guy I met online. lol I had hoped I would never need to say that. Anyhow, he's cute, and he calls me a "beautiful Barlow girl." How freaking cool is that. Our first conversation went something like this: (we were talking about how we BOTH like Christian bands)
tcudrummer: What size ring do you wear and how big does the diamond have to be?!
switchfoot: HAHAHAHA
tcudrummer: marry me now miss barlow girl!
switchfoot: "i'm not dating, I'm just waiting"
tcudrummer: well see?! -- skip the dating -- we're just getting married.
tcudrummer: the only date would be a really...really...really expensive one which, as it turns out, you would be paying for most of.
switchfoot: LOL
tcudrummer: But hey, good cake, lots of people...

haha Soo funny. And he's just got his pilot's license and will be flying up here (from Waco/Baylor where he is) to fly his friend Celeste (whom I know) and ME (if I'm available) around in the plane!!! So freaking cool! So yea, I'm pretty excited.

Update on Walt: No word. At all. Not even a text. I'm not worried, sad, etc, but I would like to know that he is still alive. lol

Oh, and on Sunday afternoon, we went around to some local laundry mats and paid for people's laundry and asked if they needed any prayer. It was friggin' sweet. God is sooo good!

Also, since Lent began yesterday, I gave up something. Myspace and facebook. Here we go! Whoot! lol

Later all!

2006-02-20T21:18:00.000-06:00

Oh, and that's not all that happened this week. I went to see Paul Van Dyk in concert at Club Blue in Dallas on Thursday. That was pretty cool. Ward bought the tickets, parking pass, water, and everything. It was friggin' sweet! Good concert. Good permanent ear damage. Fun times were had. :)
And Saturday night Lil' Will, who played on TCU's rugby team drunk dialed me. That was funny. We talked for like 20 whole minutes. :) Again, fun times. Good night!

2006-02-20T18:53:00.000-06:00

Cuddle Bug

Part 1: Walt was a senior at HC when I was freshman. I remember him being cute then, but I also remember not liking him, simpy because all the girls there were in love with him. You know how I am. lol Well, I found him on Myspace, and we chatted a small bit through that (and I detected a hint of flirting when he said in response to my pictures on my site "looks like you're all grown up now") I soon found out he lives in the TCU area, so I suggested we meet up for lunch or something and get caught up and what-not. He agreed, and then I remembered CF was having a free college pizza lunch, and said if he hadn't already found a church in the area, then he was more than welcome to come to CF. He gladly accepted, and he's come to church for the past three weeks! He likes it! :)
Part 2: He's gone to church the past three weeks, not including this past Sunday, but I didn't either due to the ice. At about 2 PM that day he texted me and asked what I was doing. Some banter went on about how we were both doing nothing that day and he was bored. Two of my roommates had guests over already, so I said he was more than welcome to come over here, but I wouldn't be driving anywhere. Him and his brother Josh came over and we did pretty much nothing for a little less than an hour, and they decided they wanted to go drink, since there was nothing else to do. lol Well, I knew that Fuzzy's was real close, and it's not like a bar/21+ type place, so I knew I could get in, too and hang with them. So we did that for a few hours, and it was pretty fun, I just felt like one of the guys and made fun of them and what-not. (Something to point out: Walt bought my food there. Is this a date? Hmmmm.) Then we had nothing else to do again, so we drove to downtown and randomly ended up in a Bennigan's where Josh had some more to drink, and Walt bought us this huge ice cream brownie sundae thing.
Part 3: We came back to campus, and he dropped me off. I was starting to get ready for bed when Walt called and apologized if Josh had done or said anything to make me feel awkward or offended, and I said it was fine. It really was. I'm used to a lot of that now since I've met all the marine guys I know. Sheesh. Anyhow, he said he was really hungry and wanted to go to IHOP, but didn't want to go alone. So I said I'd go with him. lol He was at his apt by then and turned around and came back to campus to get me and we ate there and talked some more. It was 1:30 AM by this point and he said he planned on going back to his apt and watching a movie or something. His work shedule is really really weird, so Sunday nights are like his Saturday nights, so he likes to stay up real late. And he said I was more than welcome to come too. Well, I didn't want the night to be over yet, and I didn't need to get anything important done that night, so I said 'sure'. We got back there, watched The Grudge (scary movie), and then Shaun of the Dead (funny British movie). We cuddled up and fell alseep at the end of Shaun of the Dead (5 AM) and slept/cuddled on the couch til about 8:30 this morning. It was fabulous. lol
Conclusion: This is where the hard part comes in. It's been so long since I've met someone I liked who liked me back. I'm scared I'm going to jump in head over heels again (see: Garrett) and go crazy, and ga-ga, and the whole she-bang, when it's not God's timing. Or person. Or...etc. I need help here. Prayer works great. lol It's like, finally I can see myself not settling for traits in a guy. Christian. Older, but not too old. He's 25. And really, really hot. lol He's extremely laid back, has a steady job, but is also thinking of going back to college. He went to Life Bible College for about a semester. And then CJC for a little while. Anyway...that's the story. And no matter how much fun it is to take this and run with it (and be all giggly) I really, really don't want to do that. Really. If anything I would like this to be a very healthy, steadily growing relationship. Nothing too fast, or too slow, with the guy leading all the way. eeek! hehe

2006-02-14T23:54:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day...

...was wonderful! This has been the best single (meaning boyfriend) Valentine's Day ever! Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you! Exhibit A: Free rose that is beautiful! -that I gave to myself Exhibit B: Free cake! -that I decorated myself. Exhibit C: A Valentine from TL on Facebook where all of TCU could view it!! Freaking yes! Exhibit D: I talked with Nic for a while about boys, and God, and the need/want to have a womanly still and quiet spirit inside. Today was grrrreat! *breathes* And then, my grandfather, grandmother, mom, and dad all called me today! Whoot! To quote Teen Girl Squad, "Sooo goood!" Booyah! lol I hope you all had as awesome a day as I had. Really. :) Goodnight!

2006-02-10T18:00:00.000-06:00

Last night was tight.

No, really. It was full of tight spaces, and tight muscled boys. hehe These two guys that me and Car had met three weeks ago were talking to us at Billy Bob's and what-not, and come to find out they live in the same dorm as her. So they playfully invite themselves over for the night, and she says "sure. my roommate's gone." lol So they take up her offer and come over not too long after we've gotten back, and they're all in their PJ's, and it's pretty cute. :) Then they talk about the beds and cuddling, and I said (about Car) "well, if she's allowed to do that." Full-on hinting that she has a boyfriend. So then JR asks, "who all in here is single?" And of course I raise my hand and smile, and his response is "well then you're cuddling with me!" *big smile* Sure thing kiddo! We ended up sleeping in Car's bed, with the offer that I buy her dinner at some time. lol And it was fabulous. We cuddled all through the night and when we woke up in the morning. So much fun.
Now the hard part is not letting myself dissect it all up. Though, I did go ahead and ask two guy friends of mine, "Does a guy usually only cuddle with a girl he likes, or does that not matter?" Well, the answers I got were "I don't know, I have to go", and "I love cuddling, but it's better if I like her." Wow. Profound boys, profound. Thing is, yea, it was enjoyable, and now I don't want to attach any meaning to it if there isn't any. Being all girly-girl about these things can sometimes screw you over. So for now, I'm just enjoying the fact that it happened with a boy I happen to like more than just a little. hehe *sigh* Good times. Bye all!

2006-02-08T21:24:00.000-06:00

11.9 *sigh*

I tried to give blood today, but my iron was too low...again. I need at least a 12.5. So that was a bummer, especially cuz the lady had called me multiple times asking if I would come in and give some blood. So, I'll try again within the month.
Let's see. What else has been happening? Not too much really. My classes are treating me very nicely. I'm trying to keep up with readings for my classes. I think all-in-all things are going swell over here. I think I had more I wanted to write, but I've forgetten it. Oh! I was a tour giude for some cub scouts earlier today in the radio station. That was fun. I got to put them on-air and everything. I think they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. So yea. It's been a good day. Now I'm off to read a little more and write some, too. Bye guys! Comment away! How are your lives going? Any visitors to here I don't know about? Lemme hear from ya. :)

2006-02-06T00:42:00.000-06:00

I'm back!

Ok, let's quickly sum up this weekend (World Mandate) and how amazing it was:
Saying/typing it is slightly awkward, but I rededicated my life to Jesus. Like, my soul has remained His during this time, but my life hasn't. Ya know? So, it was about freaking time I lived for Him instead of, let's see...boys, computer, dancing, friends, boys, having fun (with alcohol or without), school, boys, etc. --Here I am, Lord. Use me.-- Finally the joy of the Lord is back in my life. It wasn't there last semester, but I bought into the lies that I didn't have time to go and find it. I believed my concentration was supposed to be on school, and that's what I tried to make it...with my own strength, mind you. Needless to say, I was stressed often and had my thoughts focused on many of the wrongs things in life. Many. But I'm back now! My feet are on the right path. I want to daily make sure they're on the same path as the One I'm following day by day. Yea, it's gonna be hard. Difficult. I'm going to stumble. But at least I've got someone to catch me. Amen?
And today, I can feel His power still working in and around me. For instance, I had a chance to talk a small bit about Jesus with a religion-hardened (and with good reason) Saudi Arabian guy who goes here. Then, I found out my tire had a flat. And I mean a FLAT. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do. It was 4:45 so I didn't want to call anyone to come help, because I knew EVERYone would be getting ready to watch the Superbowl. Right at that moment, the guys whose house I was going to for the superbowl party came driving by. I flagged them down, and they fixed it for me...no question asked. It was amazing! God is soooo good! And I pray that this 'mountain top high' I'm on will last longer than any other. I pray that it will continue on and on and that I will keep asking for Him to fill me up with His presence. The more I do that, the more I can be a light on this campus, and where ever else God puts me at any moment in my life. Amen? Amen!

2006-01-29T18:00:00.000-06:00

So odd, but very cool.

No, I'm not talking about Blake. *wink* I'm talking about the party last night. It was quite fun. It was in celebration of Y and Meg's birthdays, and most of the RTVF people were there. That's what made it pretty fun. And, I don't know what's going on, but man, my tolerance level for alcohol seems to be diminishing. Not that it ever was anything great, or to boast about. All I had was one jello shot, a Don't Fuck With Jesus shot (cranberry juice and tequila) and then I drank a Nuclear Mission (pinapple soda, oj, and vodka) throughout the night. But I was messed up for most of the night. lol I really should have learned my lesson that tequila can mess a sister up! Whew. Now I know. And I know I should prolly stay away from it. lol Anyhow, back to the story: I ended up with this guy in my major and it was awkward, and by the time he had started hitting on me I was pretty sober, so I didn't have any desire to do anything but kiss, and he had other intentions, even though he promised me he didn't. Yea, right. So, Carrie and Mak were looking for me, and called my cell phone, and I finally came out of the room, and then Carrie was all "Go back!!! We found you! Go back!" And pushed me back into the room. But, I honestly just wanted to go home. I was tired, and was going to church in the morn. She was pretty gone, so she continued to push me, and etc, etc. Her and Mak decided they would walk back, I left right then, and actually gave that guy a ride home, and went to church today where I saw Wally!
Wally's story: I used to go to school with him in 9th grade and he was a senior. I actually didn't like him. Why? Cuz he's a cutie, and all the girls fauned over him, and so if everyone was going to love him...I was going to be anti-love. lol Well, through the magic of the internet, I ran into on myspace and decided to message him. We got to talking a little and I said we should catch up. So I mentioned the free lunch we were having after church today and said he was more than welcome to visit. He messaged me back and said he'd like to go and gave me his number so we could talk more. I called him that night and invited to the party and what-not and we talked for about 45 minutes (!) and that was pretty much that. So then I saw him a church today, and he seemed to enjoy it, and he said everyone was really nice. And he was going to leave after church and not get pizza downstairs, but I convinced him to eat, so he did. lol And then we left each other with a side-hug, and that was that. So, maybe he'll come to church again. That'd be real cool. And if not then I hope to see him again sometime. Cuz he's a cool kid. And that's that!

2006-01-27T02:21:00.000-06:00

"You're beautiful, you're beautiful..."

Aaah. Such a good night at Billy Bob's tonight. Why am I posting about this, you ask? Hmm. Maybe because the hot, and really funny guy I met last week there was there again, and I had looked at some pics of him rock climbing and seen one where he had a surface piercing just below his belly button. And let me tell ya. That shit is hott! So I told him. lol I wrote on his facebook wall, "So, I was scanning through the pics on your website and came across one picture where I saw a piece of metal in an odd place on your body. And I must admit, that is one of the hottest piercings I have ever seen. Kudos, man. That's freaking awesome." And he replied, ":)....you going to be at Billy Bob's this thursday? You better!!!" Oh I so totally was. So, it gets to the second to last song of the night and we danced (and had a lot of fun and flirting) and then as the last song is playing, he turns back to me and like points at his cheek to give him a kiss. So I hesitate for about a second, and then go for it! hehe And then, I'm so glad I did what I did next. I got his attention before he walked away completely and did the same to him. So he gave me a peck on the cheek, too. It was very nice. Very cute. Very enjoyable. lol And he's very Christian. Ding!! I'd like to see him again next week. He's fun. Here's to next week's Billy Bob's! *cheers*

2006-01-23T13:28:00.000-06:00

I made my first drunk dial the other night.

It was to Carrie. And it was funny. lol And I wasn't really drunk. Promise. Me and Makayla went to my roommate's party close to campus. It was an SNL theme party and we went as Coneheads. :) Well, apparently not many people had heard it was a theme party, so it was pretty much just us, my roommate and Dan and Nick who were dressed up. Though, I must admit, the boys did a fab job being Wayne and Garth. lol So we stayed long enough for me to have one jello shot and my first cup of beer, cuz it didn't taste too bad. We tried playing this drinking game with cards, but we had no clue what was going on, so we left the table. Then Dan got me a wine cooler, and I was starting to drink that when he said they were leaving to go another party at a house I had been to a few times before. Well, that's all I had had to drink, but apparenly that was enough, cuz I knew that I was not good to drive at that moment. lol So, I get Makayla to drive us and on the way, I made a phone call to Carrie, who I was later to find out was also drunk. Too funny. And I enjoyed the second party because most of the rugby guys were there, and we sang the rugby song, and good times were had all around. So yea. This weekend was fun, if ya couldn't tell. lol
For those of you who have never heard the rugby song, here it is in it's entirety:
This song is sung by a leader, who pronounces each new day, after which everyone else repeats after him.
LEADER: Monday's a whacking day!
ALL: Monday's a whacking day!
LEADER: Is everybody happy?
ALL: Yes we're f-ing happy.
LEADER: Is everybody happy?
ALL: You bet your ass we are!
LEADER: Tuesday's a finger day!
ALL: Tuesday's a finger day!
LEADER: Monday is a whacking day!
ALL: Monday is a whacking day!
LEADER: Is everybody happy?
ALL: Yes we're f-ing happy.
LEADER: Is everybody happy?
ALL: You bet your ass we are!

Go on through all the days, as follows:
Monday: a whacking day -- Tuesday: a finger day -- Wednesday: an "alllnn" day -- Thursday: a drinking day (everybody takes a drink) -- Friday: a f-ing day -- Saturday: a rugby day! (repeat three times in such a way that you seem enthusiastic about rugby) -- Sunday: A holy day (make certain everyone around takes a knee when this verse is sung)
Ending:
Oh sh*t! Around the head, who said head? I'll take some of that sh*t!
We don't want women with good taste, we want women that taste good.
Aaaaahhhh! F*CK SMU!

2006-01-21T15:29:00.000-06:00

I have never...drank that much Smirnoff in one night.

Me and some friends got together last night with a pack of Bicardi Silver and Smirnoff and fun ensued. We had 4 each, plus some shots of peppermint schnapps. We didn't really know what to do besides watch TV, so we started playing the drinking game I Have Never. I had never played a drinking game, and my apartment was just up the stairs, so I felt very safe and was ready to take as many shots as the game required of me. lol Needless to say, a ton of information was let out last night, and we three now know each other a LOT better than we did previously. hehe Let me just say, the night ended with everybody deciding we were going to take a trip to the Adult toy store in Arlington. Apparently, the fun isn't over yet. ;)

2006-01-20T14:40:00.000-06:00

It keeps getting creepier.

You know those emails you get when you're trying to reset an online password? I got one for this blog account. Someone was trying to get into my account, and it wasn't me. And then I got another email the other day for some picture account that I haven't gone to in ages that said someone had asked to change the password. Say what?! What's going on? I'm thouroughly creeped out. Help.

2006-01-18T15:01:00.000-06:00

Today's Theatrics

Ok. So. Theatre students are supposed to be the most accepting students, right? Or so I thought. I just don't understand liberals. No wait, yes I do. They are open minded to absolutely everything until they meet someone who doesn't agree with their ways, and then they are extremely closed minded individuals.
Situation: We are talking about movie stuff in my on-camera acting class and the topic moves to Brokeback Mountain. Well, I casually mention that me and the fam are boycotting it because of its homosexual theme. That apparently didn't go over well with the other students in the classroom. I could feel their stares coming at me from all directions, and they kept making comments throughtout the class about how I wasn't going to like what they had written as an idea for a film. We were writing film pitches at the time. Man, whatever. I was trying not to label yall, but if you're going to immediately label me as a stingy conservative, then so be it. It's honestly not that far from the truth anyhow. Whatever man. Get over it. And I'll try to do the same. Jesus loves you. Goodbye.

2006-01-14T23:52:00.000-06:00

Interesting Results, huh? lol

Act 2, Scene 1
An attractive young woman, the INTERN, sits at her desk. ROSS and MACGRUDER, two sales associates, stand near the water cooler.

MACGRUDER: Whoa! Get a load of the new intern! I'd like to file my proposal in her drawers.

ROSS: Easy there, MacGruder, you'll get us fired. [aside] I agree.

Exeunt.

The Intern
Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer (DGSDf)

Capable. Trustworthy. Carnal. The Intern.

From our experience, Interns are nice girls who would really, really like us to come on to them. They, like you, must be looking for sex, preferably from someone good-looking and successful. So... what are you doing later? Oh, okay, cool. Well, maybe next time? Okay, okay, jeez.

Your exact opposite:
The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master

The thing is, you're a little bit quiet, so men think you're waiting for them to start things. You do like sex a lot, they're right about that, but few of them realize you're a genuinely thoughful person.

You're choosy, not wanting to get mixed up with just anyone. Girls can get away with this kind of selectiveness for some reason. Most guys have to take whatever's lying around, passed out.

You're not necessarily looking for a steady relationship right now; that's cool. Be careful to avoid people trying to tie you down to anything other than bedposts.

ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah, The Vapor Trail

CONSIDER: The Bachelor

2005-12-02T14:14:00.000-06:00

Watashi wa kono mono ga to omou.

Translation: I think about these things.
Here goes a random post full of things that I've been thinking a lot about lately:

School: I suck a school right now. Oh, don't get me wrong, I just might end up with a 4.0 this semester, but I still suck at it. I've skipped countless classes which I used to love, and a paper which I freaked out about, and was sure I was going to fail at, I ended up getting a 99 on. A freaking 99. Carrie put it very well when she said, "Ugh, I'm never going to stress over a paper with you again." Yea. lol I'm just really letting it all get to me, when I so don't need to be. One of those, I-know-Jesus-is-my-rock moments, but I'm on the sand struck by fear of the ocean. If that makes any sense.

C & J: Do I want them to be happy? Yes. Do I want them to be happy together? No. Really, if he up and proposes to her, and she asks my opinion...I'm going to have to be honest with her. I don't see them remaining together. I mean, it's fun while it lasts, but that road doesn't go on forever. I'm just dreading when that day will come, when it will either be a proposal or a break-up. I'm not sure how I'll react.

Addictions: Some people are addicted to drugs; and some to alcohol. I am addicted to the internet. I have a blog, a xanga, a livejournal, a facebook, a myspace, and three email accounts I check DAILY. 4-6 times daily. And when I'm away from my computer for long periods of time, I start to get withdrawls. Namely, when I was at home for Thanksgiving. We were watching a movie, and I didn't know the actor, so my first thought was "oh, I can just look that up on imdb.com." My second thought was something like, "*sigh* No, I can't. We don't have internet access here." I was actually sad. My mood was altered at that moment because I couldn't get online. You know what is also referred to as a mood alterer? Cocaine, heroine, alcohol, ecstasy! I'm not kidding here. The very, very first thing I do every morning and every time I enter the room, and the last thing I do at night, is open up my laptop and check to see if I have any messages on all of the above mentioned accounts. Sad? I think so. But there's not a CA (Computer-holics Anonymous) I can go to, so I continue to sit here on the computer an average of 6 hours a day. Talk about a sedentary lifestyle. I need help. Will someone reach out to me?

Boys: I've been single for 2 years and 5 months now. In that time, I have had no relations with boys outside of making out at parties or back home. Proud of that or not, I wish I had someone. I mean, let's be honest here. In high school, I went an average of two weeks between boyfriends. I always, always had someone there who either liked me and I knew it, or we had already jumped in and were dating. It's great to feel that attractive. A positively wonderful feeling. I haven't felt that good in a long, long time. Even when Garrett assured me that I was worth it, and I am attractive, and I shine the light of Jesus, and have a wonderful personality, actions still spoke louder than words. If I'm that great of a girl...why don't you want me? My mind goes into....what's wrong with me? Why is no one pursuing me anymore? Why can't the boys at TCU grow some damn balls?! I swear I've got more than they do! I'm willing to risk it! I'm willing to take a chance! I'm willing to be let down, and rejected! And they aren't?! What is wrong with them?! It is SO incredibly hard to see what you want right in front of you, and know that if you were to take the initiative and reach out and grab it, it would no longer be of any use to you. No wonder I keep believing my mom more and more when she says, "Use 'em and lose 'em." It's so much easier that way. And apparently, that's all people in college are here for anyhow. Quick flings, no attachments, and zero responsibility. I'll admit I'm only slightly more mature than that, but still. At least I know what I want, and know how to get it. Come on boys; grow up, will ya?
--On those same lines, I really do understand that it's not my time to be dating anyone right now. I can complain and complain, but the truth of the matter is that #1) I don't have time for a relationship like that right now, #2) I don't know myself well enough to get knee deep -or deeper- into a relationship where I'm learning all about someone else, and #3) I've got some character flaws I need to work out before I fall in love. I feel like Kandy when I'm saying all of this. lol She's always striving to make herself better. I admire that drive, and honestly it's about time I kicked it into gear as well. And no matter how much I don't want to be Miss Independent...I'm going to have to be in order to get things changed for the better. What day I'll start that, I don't know. But I know it's eating away at me right now. So it shouldn't be too long.

Future: Ha! Future... I know what I want. I can see it. I can taste it. I can...back away from it.
It's right there. It's in my grasp. It's one step forward. It's...so hard to take that step.
Power FM, JCTV, TBN, Family Net, James Dobson, Daystar... I have so many options...but what are they to me? How can I get there? What can I achieve? Who do I have to be?
...who do I have to be...
Someone please tell me.
I have no clue.
And if you say, "be yourself," who is that exactly? I hate that I don't know anymore. I often wish I was back in high school, when I knew exactly who and what I was, and why I was that. Granted it wasn't the best of days, nor did I have the best philosophies, but I was stable. So I think.

And, I know that who I am is in Jesus. And I can see that practically. But when I continue to turn my eyes away from Him and live my life the way I deem it should be lived is when all this goes to pot, and I end up sitting here writing freaking long posts to get all this off my chest. lol

So yea. Don't worry about me. I'm not depressed. I'm just living life. It's hard, and I need help. As we all do. So I guess all I have to say now is please say a prayer for me. Pray that I get on my knees and let God take over again. Cuz when I plan out my life and future...well, we can see where that's lead me. lol

Thanks. And good day.

2005-11-14T00:10:00.000-06:00

You have not, because you ask not.

So I'm reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and the question I came upon in today's chapter was, "Jesus, how are you romancing me now?" So, I asked it, and He answered me immediately! This is what he said, "I am showing you I love you by giving you a roof over your head; by keeping you warm at night and in a safe environment. Don't gripe or be sad that you are in such a protected bubble, for this is where I placed you so that you may flourish within it, and grow daily. I haven't brought a man along your path yet, because I don't want to see you get hurt or place yourself in the futile situation so many others have placed themselves in. I hug you by the warmth of the sun..." And then I got this feeling that these warm days we've been having lately in the middle of November are JUST for me. Why? For no other reason than because he loves me dearly! Oh my gosh guys! This has been an extraordinary day in the God department! The Holy Spirit rocks! ...and makes me cry. hehe Goodnight!

2005-10-28T11:25:00.000-06:00

Mad, Mad World

I went to my first sorority mixer last night. Now THAT was an experience... If you're not Greek, or drunk off your ass, don't go to a mixer. lol Lesson learned. Afterwards, me and Carrie went to Billy Bob's cuz Josh and Co. was there, annnnd, we were the only two dressed up people. And she wasn't really even all that dressed-up anymore, since she had finally buttoned up her shirt. Yea. She went as a sexy librarian. And that she was, folks. I...was Cyndi Lauper!!! And it looked awesome! Here's a pic:
Now, add a short, flirty skirt and my kick-ass boots, and the ensemble was perfect! Wha-what! Now for tonight where two more parties are planned! Yesh!

2005-10-22T20:00:00.000-06:00

This weekend was crazy, and I loved every minute of it!

First ever HIS National Convention. It was between TCU and SMU, and it was amazing! It was pretty much like an all-girl retreat. And I can't speak for anyone else, but I definitely got closer to God this weekend. It was all so much fun....AND....it was held at the same camp grounds as the North Texas Convention Hope Chapel went to in like 1999. SO weird! I was running around telling everyone about how "in 1999, in this very room, I played Checkers competitively!" lol And that "I ran up THAT very hill in pantyhose, heels, and a skirt!" CRAZY, I know! :) So yea. It was a GREAT weekend...and it's not even over yet! Ha!

2005-10-21T00:31:00.000-06:00

Blakey's Idea---AIM Convo

Blakey: though i might have to go get SOME kind of odd piercing... merely because i was told that i wouldn't
switch: by me? or someone else?
Blakey: both
switch: haha no, you would; just NOT your stomach
Blakey: nipple piercings are intriguining... but the idea of doing it... *shudders*
switch: oh go get a prince albert and be done with it!
Blakey: oh, lord no!
switch: mwahaha
Blakey: *slaps you silly, oh wait, too late*
switch: HAHA
switch: you know you wanna!
Blakey: no, that is just fine how it is
switch: HAHAHAHA
Blakey: no tampering
switch: ROFL
switch: *breathes* oh man, now that was funny
Blakey: i don't think it was all that funny, but whatever floats your boat
Blakey: only a woman could joke about a prince albert
switch: haha yep
Blakey: oh, just copy paste to your blog and be done with it
Blakey: at least that way you'd have an update
switch: ...so true

2005-10-16T20:09:00.000-06:00

Quick! Quick!

Gosh, has this week been craaaaaazy! I've pulled late nights the past four nights or so, and am planning on continueing with the pattern. lol It's amazing what you can get accomplished when you rule out sleep as an option. hehe But, that being the case, I've been wired the past day or so. I'm kinda floating...until the tiredness finally hits...lol And then I just wanna crash. But those moments don't last for long, and if they were to start being longer...well, I found the wonders of Sobe Adrenaline Rush. It's like Red Bull, but tastes good and actually works for me. *mwahaha* So that's about it. You people need to IM me sometime! Whooooo!!! I'm hyper right now, yea!

2005-10-02T21:15:00.000-06:00

After having opened up a Blogger post page many, many times in the past few weeks and not typed anything, I will finally enlighten you all with:
The Adventures of Garrett and Rakkel

Location: FROG
Time: Saturday, 1300 Hours
Reason: It was Garrett's last day, and I needed to actually get some studying done as well.
We did the normal thing until he got off at 9 that night, and then we went to Fuzzy's where he drank the equivalent of about 3-4 beers, and we just sat and talked about anything and everything. Then, when getting another beer at Fuzzy's was out of the question due to a long line, we hit up the next classiest place to get a beer; Shell, where he proceeded to buy himself a quart and me a Smirnoff. Even though a recent email of his reads, "I DEFINATELY don't need to be anywhere NEAR you when I have been drinking. lol" Really, Garrett? Then why did you drink an estimated 9 beers Saturday night while also buying me a drink? Huh? lol He also commented that we were "flirting with disaster" and that he was "doing good" and normally would have been all over me by then. Smart move, buddy. Have you even been listening to the reasons you're giving me for not being able to date me? Anyhow, we had some pretty in-depth and personal conversations about stuff that he "hadn't even told anyone else about." And let me tell you, he is one Smart baby-Christian. His pastor did him well; makes me smile. I seriously, completely treasure him as an amazing brother in Christ...and a hot one at that. *wink* Which, we apparently feel the same way about each other. We really are in the same boat, relatively speaking. I am fun, cool, attractive, and special to him and he has "grown close to me." As have I to him.

The closure that came at about 2 Sunday morning was much needed. I brought up the subject of 'us', cuz I really needed to in order to not go insane at a quick pace. After much talking, and going this way and that, as well as some hand holding, and him talking twice about staring at my beautiful lips and wanting to kiss me, we both knew what the answer was...and pretty much needed to be...No. At least not at this time. Thus we come now to the decision that was made because of this and how much we care for each other. We are "taking a break from each other." Too bad that's damn near impossible for me...but I know it's what has to be done, or else I'd just continue pining away from something that I'll never fully get. And I've already been in a situation similar to that, with which I don't want to go back to. So here I sit. Alone, but loved. And I'm going to cling to that. As well as ask Jesus for help daily, because I sure as hell can't do this without His help.

Due to this, and other current situations, me and Racel have decided that instead of searching for a man in our lives, we're going to go get HOTT, and then let them see us again, and that'll show them! lol She wants to get back to a size four, and I'd like to just get back down to ALL of my nine's fitting me, as well as my two pairs of sevens. Which was a goal of mine anyhow upon my return to school, seeing as I live in the apt closest to the Rec Center anyhow. ha.

So yea. That's where I'm at right now. I'll keep you cool cats posted on anything else blog-worthy that occurs in my life. Until then!!

2005-09-24T21:02:00.000-06:00

Whatever makes you happy.

No, really. I mean, I'm not going to bow down and be walked on, but I just want you to be happy. And if that's without me, I can handle that. Really I can. I care for you enough to let go. I also care for myself. Especially after the times I've read He's Just Not That Into You; which I did yesterday. :) It makes me put everything in perspective, and helps me out with knowing when to hold on or when to just let go. That book is amazing people. Amazing.
I've done some childish things (but only when prompted by extreme actions or words), and it's time to just move on. He put in his month's notice. I might end up doing something (I won't regret) before he leaves... *big smile* But I'm not planning on anything.

Here. Here's a Levi Smith song that really explains how I feel deep inside.

Levi Smith - "Bitterness is Sexy"

'We can still be friends.'
That's the consolation prize you gave me,
in hushed tones over gourmet coffee.
And I mean no offense,
but you were quite a waste of time and money;
not too mention dignity.
So don't get me wrong.
I want you to be happy,
as long as its with me.

One day you're gonna want me,
but it'll probably be too late by then.
One day you're gonna want me,
at least that's what I say to all my friends.

Alright, so here's the plan:
You go ahead and keep your options open,
while I stay here and lose all hope in love.
And don't you understand?
I am lonely, but I need another friend
like you need another compliment.
Oh don't get me wrong.
I want you to be happy,
as long as its with me.

One day you're gonna want me,
but it'll probably be too late by then.
One day you're gonna want me,
at least that's what I say to all my friends.

So thank you for leading me on,
it's nice to feel attractive.
Don't you agree?

So I hope someone hears this song
that thinks bitterness is sexy.

2005-09-20T16:14:00.000-06:00

Awww, the Lord even answers the prayers you don't know how to or just plain don't verbalize. *big smile* Jesus rocks!
Big/Little Week starts tonight! I'm nervous. lol I really, really don't want her to find out it's me. =p

2005-09-15T16:13:00.000-06:00

"See, I understand how girls think."

Apparently he's playing hard-to-get. F that. If that's how he rolls, then I'll be keeping my nice little ass away from that place for a while. See how he likes that. Two can play that game.

2005-09-12T21:44:00.000-06:00

T-minus one hour...minus all hope in love

Ok, so that was a bit emo, but I'm listening to Levi Smith right now, so...yea.

I gave him a week.

One week to give me another phone call, and then I would know if it was one way or another.

That week ends in approx. one hour.

I've no more hope.

Too bad I want to pursue him like none-other.

But I know that's not what I need to do under any circumstances.

That being the case; what's my next move?

--Besides being crushed; yet still "in love"...

2005-09-09T00:00:00.000-06:00

"nobody has...an unbreakable heart..."

It's just been so long since I've loved someone. 'Someone' not including my friends, of course. I love them all. But I mean...it's been awhile since I really loved on someone and they really loved me back. Is that way too much to ask for? Though, sometimes I think it technically is. Let me explain: God wants us to want all of Him. He wants us to sing a song of praise to Him 24/7. Can we do this when our eyes are so focused on another? This has actually always been a problem of mine, and while, no, my heart has not been broken recently, the chance of it happening grows greater every day. And with that, so should my eyes turn to Jesus more everyday, because I understand more and more about how He will never let us down. He will never turn away. He will always love us, no matter our hairstyle, amount of make-up, the clothes we wear, or the words we say. NOTHING will ever, ever cause Him to forsake us. And for that fact alone...I need desperately to trust in Him, and Him alone.

Good night all.

2005-09-05T22:10:00.000-06:00

"Put your head on my shoulder."

*sigh* So, after having spent two nights at the Panther Coffee Shop with him, it has finally come to my attention how much I really, really like this boy. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. I want to get to know more about him every day. I love the way he smells. I love the way he always makes sure I know he's thinking about me.
He might have a slight problem with me being 20...but I'm thinking he's just gonna have to get over that. ;)

Good night all. I will definitely be sleeping well tonight.

My poem of the night:
When silence comes between us, I actually let it be.
This is how I know, that it's more than just me.

2005-09-04T13:51:00.000-06:00

Near You Always

Sooo, yesterday I was on-air for my first time, and it went smooth enough. lol I enjoyed myself for the most part. And I'm getting paid for working this weekend. So...yea. lol
Then, right after my shift, I walked to the FROG where I saw Garrett walking down towards the tanning place. We hugged as usual, and I really enjoyed that after the hug he kept his hand on my back for about a minute. It made me smile. So then I went to hang out at the FROG, and did so for about 2 hours. lol Boy, I sure was being productive. I talked with the employee Jared some and Garrett mentioned to me later that he told Jared he should ask me out. Jared said his girlfriend might not approve. lol Which, is funny, cuz I had just been talking to Jared about how much I liked Garrett. I then noticed that...the word could really never get back to Garrett how much I like him, due to the fact that everyone I've talked about him to...has pretty much never even met him. So it was cool, and yet felt really weird to be IN the FROG talking to an employee about the fact that I like Garrett, how we aren't dating, and about how I kinda wish we were. I seriously wonder if that fact got back around to Garrett that night... Ya know, another reason I'm wondering that, is cuz I got a call from him at 11 last night. He wanted to go get coffee with me. *big smile* I dropped the book I was studying and headed out the door. I caught up with him, and on our way we saw Makayla and Amanda so it was one big, fun chill session. Then, not too long after they left, we decided to go get some Whataburger. It was nice to be able to talk to him outside of his work. I mean, we didn't talk about anything different, but we also didn't have the constant nagging of the fact that he's the manager, so he might need to be doing something at that moment. lol I liked it. He opens doors for girls. I liked that, too. lol
But then, I thought about him so much last night..that I couldn't even go to sleep. The Jewel song Near You Always says it perfectly:

Please don't say 'I love you',
Those words touch me much too deeply,
and they make my core tremble.
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me,
And please don't look at me like that;
It just makes me want to make you near me always.
Please don't kiss me so sweet;
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow,
And please don't touch me like that;
Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow.
Please don't come so close;
It just makes me want to make you near me always.

BRIDGE: Please don't send me flowers,
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say.
Don't try to understand me,
your hands already know too much anyway.
It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And when you look in my eyes,
Please know my heart is in your hands.
It's nothing that I understand,
But when in your arms,
You have complete power over me.
So be gentle if you please 'cause
You hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby,
And it makes me want to make you near me always.
I want to be near you always.

*sigh* Do men realize they have so much power over us?

2005-09-02T11:28:00.000-06:00

Thou Shalt Not Covet

Sooo, I'm sure you've all read before about me and my boy troubles. Not troubles that they cause, but rather...just the whole lack of one in my life...yea, so. I go to see my fave Frog employee, and he's mentioned a few times now about a girl that he's gone on some dateS with. Yes. Dates-plural. Ok, maybe she's his age...noooo. She's 21. Well...does she go to TCU. More than likely, yes. *sigh* And while I know Garrett still likes me, I know that I'm not at that level apparently, because he's never asked me out on a date. I mean, yes he did ask for my number, and he did call me over summer just to chat (which was wonderful), but still. I mean, it's okay to be a little jealous, right? I mean, I know people aren't really supposed to be...it's like...coveting, and that's one of the 10 commandments. Sooo, basically I'm torn right now. Torn between what I want for myself, and my want for him to happy, ya know? I just....I just want someone...and apparently...that's way too much to ask for.
So for now, I'll go along trying my best to be my happy-go-lucky self; happy that I'm single, happy that I'm alive, etc. We'll see if I end up breaking down again...like I did with Josh and Carrie... heh...
I'm out!

2005-08-28T20:49:00.000-06:00

"Do you come here often?"

Nope! But thanks! And I got a free movie out of it! lol Yessir, that was Date #2 for Rakkel's college career notebook. Word of advice: When your roommate's ask you who you're going on a date with, and then proceed to laugh once you've told them the name, go ahead and concrete your decision that this date will be yall's first...and last. lolol

And the party over at Sarah and Linds' apt was awesome! There was a really hot and sweet guy from Tech, lots of alcohol, some great friends, and some hilarious game-playing! I had a blast.
Bow to the Taboo Queen!

Night!!

2005-08-24T13:37:00.000-06:00

Rakkel

Lamb : Hebrew

Very much the individual you have enormous energy and vision and must find a suitable use for your talents. You have great potential for success in business if you can guard against indecision and worry. Your generous nature means that you are never short of friends and with cooperation your relationships can be very rewarding. Perseverance and firm decision making will ensure you achieve your objectives.

http://www.bostonuk.com/names/default.asp

2005-08-24T13:19:00.000-06:00

First day of my Junior/Senior year (and a half).

Class is great so far, blah, blah, blah... I saw Austin a few minutes ago. I got back to my dorm, and cried. He's an RA again in the same dorm as last time (all the f-ing way across campus). And just as busy as ever. Just as hot and cute as ever. Complimented me on my hair. He seemed to really like it. *smiles* Why do I want something so, so bad, that I can't have? And then, the question is...why can't I have him? Why can't we be together? He told me he reciprocated my feelings towards him at that formal. *sigh* I hurts so bad. If only he knew how happy he made me...and he doesn't even have to do anything. Well, ok, ok, crying after seeing him wasn't exactly tears of joy...but still...what does real love really feel like?

Peace.

2005-08-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

*jumps up and down*

No, really. I really did jump up and down when I found out AUSTIN IS BACK!!!!!! OMG! I'm so happy. Even though, I did spend some time today over at The FROG, and then after Sugar Rush, Garrett came around and we chatted for a while. :) But still, it somehow doesn't even compare to my ecstaticness about the fact that I'll get to see Austin...no matter how rare an occasion that is. :(

*breathes* I love you guys!

2005-08-12T23:53:00.000-06:00

Man. I feel hot. I feel dirty.

I just drove by three parking lots full of tricked out and pimped out cars and trucks, and I recalled the feelings I get every time I watch The Fast and the Furious. I want to be in that scene. I want to know those people. I want to know the guys, the girls, the ins the outs. I want to be smack dab in the center of it all. But then, I come back to my senses, and I know for a fact that that will never happen, even if I finally decided that's what I wanted. It's always but a passing phase, and a quick one at that. But a phase, nonetheless, thus it gets to my core before I can shut it off. And it makes me think things and dream about things. Ahh, the wonders of day-dreaming...even if it's at night. Which reminds me...

I had THE best dream the other night/morning: Me and some friends were garage sale-ing and we knew the next house we were going to Garrett would be at, yet I was trying my hardest to pretend I didn't know, and that I wasn't very anxious. So, we get up to the next house and my friends are going to go inside, while I'm out at the van (why were we driving a van?) putting on chapstick, when I got this strong premonition that Garrett was behind the garage door, with puppies. Right as I was rushing to put the chapstick on and close the door, I saw him open the door. He was wearing a very tight, light blue shirt, and he ran out to me, bypassing everyone else, and he was holding three puppies in his arms! They squirmed too much for him to hold all them, so he droped to the ground on his back, and was squirming around with them, having a blast (!) while I was just going ga-ga over the puppies' cuteness......Right at that moment.....Kandy called my name, because I needed to move my car so she could go to work. She was my arch-nemesis for a few seconds there. lol

And that was that. When I went back to sleep, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make the dream continue in any way, shape, or form. lol *sigh* Oh well. And on that note...I'm going to bed.
Night all!

2005-08-11T23:25:00.000-06:00

I am NOT a myspace whore!

This is whats-his-face's myspace profile:
About me:
I am a handfull. If I like you, there is never a dull moment.
Who I'd like to meet:
I like dramatic women that blow things way out of proportion, and girls that can't take a joke.

And when I sat there and thought about it...that's me. LOL

2005-08-08T20:52:00.000-06:00

Well, everyone...

It's been an eventful summer, to say the least. It's been full of accidents, discoveries, fun times, sad revelations, familiar romance, and the-one-who-got-away.

*raises her glass* Here's to my third year in college; may it be as fun, entertaining, satisfying, and expensive as last year! *cheers*

2005-08-03T00:11:00.000-06:00

~~Breaking~~ and Entering

This girl has a link to me! That's exciting. :) What is also exciting are my b-day's presents from Blakey! He got me some earrings from Hot Topic as well as Spaceballs the DVD from Wal-Mart! Whoot!! I've already watched it! lol I love that freaking movie.
Ummm, what else. Oh yea! The past couple of days have consisted of: swimming at Fairway (illegally), watching many movies, playing Hoopla! and Screaming Ninjas, and consuming a beverage (illegally). *big smile* Let me tell ya; Mike's Hard Lime...much better than Mike's Hard Lemonade. Anywho. That was the basis of my weekend. Oh, and Team America. haha. Good movie. No, really. I surprisingly enjoyed it thoroughly. :) Night all!

2005-08-01T15:49:00.000-06:00

Priorities

The sun's rays have been squeezing through the window blinds for over four hours, yet the lady best described as "not a girl, not yet a woman" continues to lay in her bed under her blue sheets. There may be birds chirping. There may be cars with thousand dollar sound systems driving by; but she does not hear them. She is in her own world. She is alone. She loves her dreams, and they love her. She is awakened by silence. It is a silence she imagines she should have been used to by now, due to being alone for so long. Yet she is not. She manages to gather the will-power to sit up in bed. The next step is the trek to her prized computer where the routine never differs, day by day: Yahoo homepage to check email and read comics, check gmail account, check TCU email account, check to see if anyone has commented on the prior day's xanga and blog posts, and then it's off to thefacebook and myspace in search of people who might have wanted to become new 'friends' during the night. Friends in whose relationships with her might not ever even see real physical contact or ones in with which, that's the only goal. When this daily checking routine is done, she sits...empty as she was when she began...when she first woke up...when she went to bed...
She could tan. She could exercise. She could eat. She could not eat. So many options, yet they are the same everyday, thus not a one sounds appealing...that is, until her stomach speaks, and she commences her second trek of the day; the kitchen. Wherein a battle ensues over what should be consumed before any energy has even been used that day. 100 calories? 200 calories? Water? 2 pop-tarts? No way! That's 400 calories!
Why does she count them? Because of image. That's what she was taught was important, isn't it? Isn't that what every girl is supposed to pick up from the media? THIN IS IN. She believes them. She obeys blindly. She tells herself she's happier this way. But is she? What if she really is? What if you really do feel better when you are thinner, and yet know you aren't as thin as Lara Flynn Boyle, and are ok with it? What if you're used to someone often telling you that you're attractive and desirable, to all of a sudden have them ripped out of your life? ...you are alone... What if they were put back into your life? Only to help you whittle away at your cherished innocence... The words 'dirty', 'filthy', and 'sin' just turn into you constantly telling yourself, 'i don't give a shit what anyone thinks; including myself.' Can you really shut your own self up? Corret answer=no.
Reach out for help. no. You know you need to. yea..but no. You know you want to... yea.........but no. Why not? too fun. Yea, sure. Take a look at yourself. You're falling apart. How fun can that be? shut up shut up shut up!!!
I wish. I wish. I wish I hadn't done any of this stuff. Cuz after you've done it once...it's so easy to it again. and again. and again.

P.S: Please don't comment on this post. It was very personal, and although I know people read it, it'll help me out if you pretend you didn't read it. It just helps me out greatly to get the junk in my head down into coherent words.

2005-07-29T01:42:00.000-06:00

_____-shaped hole.

I finally realized what keeps me near him. It's just like it was with Cory. Each of them has a void that a special someone will fill, and I want to be that for them, even when I know it's not in my shape. But I can't stand seeing them like they are for the time being; in such loneliness and empty pursuit. What I need to realize is that each one of us will eventually, finally find that one. And we will all be happier for it that we waited it out and let fate run it's course. And that's the truth.
Goodnight.

2005-07-27T22:14:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to my blog today! It's a whole four years old. :)

2005-07-26T22:05:00.000-06:00

Best Birthday Ever!!!

It really was, yall. It consisted of body glitter, water guns, sidewalk chalk, cake, ice cream, and star gazing, with the occasional shooting star. !!
Me and Akiko (one of the students) have the same birthday so the other students and tutors decided to throw a surprise party for us! They got us a cake and put 17 candles on one side (for Akiko) and 20 on the other (for me). *big grin* So fun.
And then I got sooo many messages, calls, and emails from friends. It was all so wonderful. =D

Thank you everyone!

2005-07-22T13:21:00.000-06:00

"Ask us the sex question..."

Oh my gosh, I totally forgot to write about going to see Willy Wonka and Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Blakey! Both were very good movies! Willy Wonka, especially. Though, Angelina and Brad were both looking mighty fine in their movie. Yummy. Thanks Blake!!!

Next movie: The Island with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Shyeah.

2005-07-22T11:37:00.000-06:00

"Hi, my name is Rakkel, and I've been addicted to dopamine for 5 years."

A website reads: All this drama is the result of an especially potent cocktail of neurochemicals, one of which is dopamine.
At moderate levels, dopamine creates a healthy appetite and sense of cheerful anticipation. But balanced optimism wouldn’t ensure that we engage in unthinking procreation. So, thanks to natural selection, dopamine levels in many of us now soar involuntarily at every opportunity for gratification, making us impulsive–unless we consciously intervene.
Dopamine is known as "the molecule of addiction" because it is behind all addictions. It governs the pleasure/reward center of the most primitive portion of our brain. "Reward" is a bit of a misnomer, however, as the "reward" we receive from following this center’s commands is not a genuine increase in well-being.
The dopamine "reward" is simply a compelling chemical high that’s followed by a hangover as our body seeks to self-regulate after overstimulation. Why? Too much of an exciting substance like dopamine is just too much. High levels of dopamine have been implicated in sexual fetishes, addictions, schizophrenia, and nerve cell damage (in cocaine users).

So f***ing true. Anybody got any oxytocin? Cuz me and him don't have all that much anymore.
--italics are by me

2005-07-20T15:13:00.000-06:00

Uh-oh.

I'm going through a phase again. The kind of phase where I have a desire to cuss, and when I do, I feel good and bad girl-ish. And where I also have a desire for boys, and then I go get what I want; like I did really early this morning. Man, that was fun. And if you need me, I'll be the one listening and singing along to unedited Eminem or Puddle of Mudd in my car. Catch ya later.

2005-07-19T22:46:00.000-06:00

"Boo, you whore."

So I met his girlfriend, Emily, today. She's cute. I'm starting to think the reason he's flirting with me is cuz me and her are sorta a lot alike. We both have kinda short hair, similar music tastes, a cute and quirky fashion, and big, blue eyes. But was that a promise ring I saw on her finger? Or a purity ring? Hmmm. I think it's time to back off. But he's still real fun to hang out with, and thus I will try to stop imagining him as more than just a friend. Of which, though, I have done a good job with. Usually I go crazy and I let my imagination run wild. But I didn't with him, without knowing why. But I uh...I found out soon enough. lol Girlfriends and promise rings aren't my cup of tea. And I also started feeling like such a bitch. Don't get me wrong, I was nice to Emily and everything, but...my thoughts were otherwise. For example, "I'm so much better for you than she is" and "come on, we have so much more in common." And I was at my worst when they held hands, hugged, and etc. I felt like absolute crap. In fact, I had to look away everytime they touched. I just couldn't handle it. And to top it all off, I just watched Mean Girls. Gawd. Girls are such bitches! --Lord, help me not be one!!--

2005-07-17T19:50:00.000-06:00

Sugar and other Sweet Things

WHAT. A. FLIRT. While we were at Cahoot's waiting on our food, he picked up a packet of sugar that said "sweet thing" on it, and placed it in front of me. lol So I picked up the sugar packet that said "sugar" and gave it to him. lol It was cute. That, among many other little things, are huge screaming signs that he likes me. Yet...he still has a girlfriend. WHY?! lol I mean, I don't want him to just dump her. That's not what I'm going for... But...why, when someone so wonderful comes along, does he have to be taken? I mean, it's obviously not in the Lord's timing for us to date right now, otherwise we would be, but still... I need to go look up Jeremiah 29:11 again. "Plans to prosper you--plans to prosper you...plans to give you hope and a future" *breathes* Ok, Lord. I trust you. And I'm taking it one day at a time.

2005-07-16T21:07:00.000-06:00

"Let's watch the sunset from the baseball stadium."

Heck yes! But, let's also invite a few Japanese kids, so #1: we can include them in some fun, and #2: it will be less uncomfortable for me....since I have a girlfriend!!! Ok, so that's not what he said, but it's what he meant. lol But my gosh if he didn't keep glancing over at me during the whole movie (Lemony Snicket) that we watched with the kids and some of the other tutors. I mean, these aren't even mixed signals. They are loud and clear. And when I think about, even though I don't want him to, people cheat on their significant others all the time, right? I don't know. That would be reading into the situation just a little too much, and that exactly what I'm not going to do with this relationship. I've lived and learned (and read books) and I plan on continuing with exactly what I've been doing; nothing but being my happy, cute self. Period. It's so much easier that way. :)
Over and out.

2005-07-14T23:45:00.000-06:00

I'm being mean to him. Well, not really. I wish I was meaner. But I'm just not that mean. You know what I mean? Oh, and I'm not talking about David, btw.

2005-07-13T20:42:00.000-06:00

We never know what's just around the bend.

I KNEW there was a reason I was holding myself back from thinking about him too much. You want to know why, too? Hmm, let's see. Could it be because he has a girlfriend?!?!?!?!?!?! And that maybe they've been seeing each other for oh...two and a half years!?!?! Gawd! I'm not joking when I say a little piece of my died the second he said 'girlfriend'. I bet you anything he could see a reaction on my face, even though I didn't mean to. Wow. It uh, it kinda hurt a little. YET, we are still flirting as we have been... *sigh* I just thought I could finally have a healthy relationship with a decent guy. Maybe next time. Heh, I couldn't even bring myself to ask more questions about the gf, because I felt all icky inside. Seriously. Anywho. That's my story of the day. good night everyone. It's an ice cream/movie night. Lata!

2005-07-11T13:42:00.000-06:00

90+ degrees...INSIDE the house

Sooo, the AC broke Saturday, and finally got fixed today. It was an experience. lol

We went to the Mall of Abilene yesterday with the kids, and I got a pair of jeans that actually fit me at Gap for 20 bucks! Our Gap is clearancing everything so that they can become a Gap outlet store. Pretty cool, huh? Surprisingly, that's all I ended up buying. It was fun. Today was the first day of one-on-one tutoring time. It was cool. I got to see a ton more Puricula pictures. Those are pictures you take in booths where you can draw on them afterwards. That word is short for Print Club. They're pretty cool. Taught David somemore simple Japanese words and phrases. He's trying pretty hard. It's cute. lol As is he. ;)

2005-07-09T20:51:00.000-06:00

All the things you've been dying to ask me, but just couldn't. lol

2005-07-09T16:57:00.000-06:00

I saw him today.

I actually recognized the JN shirt before I recognized him. He didn't even look happy to see me. Turkey. Tsokay. I've moved on. I haven't called him in weeks, nor have I really had a huge desire to. That'll teach him. Or me. Either way, I'm better off now.

2005-07-08T10:32:00.000-06:00

How has everyone's July been so far?

Mine? Oh it's been...GREAT!!! :) The Japanese kids got in today, and they seem like a great bunch. As are my fellow tutors. Many of them I've never known before now, yet am glad to now know. It's gonna be so much fun. I'll try to keep everyone posted on the adventures to come, although I've left you out of some of the ones that have recently happened, like Team Topgun's near-fatal adventure last night, as well as the multiple games of Ultimate Frisbee, I forgot to mention. Oh well. If you really want to know, then IM or call me. Everybody's doing it. :) <--that was a lie lol But anywho, I'll shout out again to yall later, I'm gonna hit the hay. I'm exhausted. Oyasuminasai!

P.S: A little tidbit I'll include here that I didn't include on my xanga: David, the tutor. Pretty cool cat. Pretty cute cat. And, or so I think, a pretty interested-in-me kind of dude. :) That is all.

2005-07-06T14:12:00.000-06:00

Malibu's Most Wanted

Last night, Sage, AJ, and his "girlfriend" came over to our house to chill, listen to some rap, and smoke some Black & Milds. It was a pretty cool chilling time and it was so weird to see AJ and Sage again after such a long period of time. AJ is tall and lanky; Sage is short and BUILT. They almost look comical when standing next to each other. lol And such thugs, too. Some things never change. :)

Peace!

--Days til I see Garrett again: 44--

2005-07-05T18:34:00.000-06:00

DFW bound and back!

This weeked was so much fun. I went to church, drove to Heath where Carrie lives by an awesome, beautiful lake, and went to see War of the Worlds with her and TD. Rakkel gives the movie....2+ thumbs up!! What I mean is, if I had more thumbs, I'd be putting them up as well. lol Good. Movie. *big smile* Though, imdb.com says it very, very well when they say, "If this movie were a meal, it would be a very satisfying prime beef steak with a dollop of unnecessary cheese." Then, on Monday, we headed into town to shop (of course!), and I got some cheap stuff from Hot Topic and some bad-A shoes from DSW for 5 bucks with my rewards coupin! Heck yes! lol After that, it was off to waste time at Josh's until the fireworks were to start. They graciously dropped me off at Heather and Brad's new place where I got to see lots of peeps from my church!! SO cool! I miss them all so much. Sad that Carrie and Josh didn't want to join the group, though. They missed out. :) We went down and sat right on the bank of the Trinity River to watch the Botanical Garden's firework display. Not bad, I say. Not bad. I've also not seen that much illegal activity going on in one place. I lost count of how many people were shooting off their own fireworks within city limits. Right next to us. Kinda scary actually. But fun, nonetheless. So then we got Sonic and crashed at Josh's where fireworks continued being ignited all. night. long. I went to sleep to them, and woke up to them. Fun times. But anywho, here comes the fun part. Carrie, are you paying attention? lol This morning, I went to the FROG to see everyone, specifically one specific person there. =D He got a hair cut. I love it. And shaved his gotee off, too. Though, I didn't even notice that. lol It was really nice to see him. Now I only have to wait til August 20th before I see him again. Whee... lol K, that's about it. If you have any questions, you know how to contact me!! Have an awesome day/week!

2005-06-27T18:56:00.000-06:00

"Your mom!"

Yesterday was a blast! I went swimming with everyone from River of Life church, and then after the BBQ and everything, we went over to Geneva's house to watch Equilibrium and Hitch. Both very good movies! Oh, and by the way, no one's movie night is complete without a bucket o' tea. lol Fun times!!

2005-06-25T22:38:00.000-06:00

Pact made and witness witnessed.

I have (once again) deleted him from my AIM buddy list, and I have resolved to not ever call the boy again; at least for the rest of summer. If he doesn't know how to return phone calls, then I can act like I don't know how to make them. Someone like that apparently is just not worthy of me OR my time, and thus being I won't give him anymore of it, unless he instigates every inch of the way. Come on, I can't completely cut him out of my life just-like-that. But I would also venture to say that this pact isn't just a baby step. So there. Gawd, I really want a boyfriend. I've been single for a full two years on June 30th!! And for those who know me...that's like a lifetime! He was my kinda-sorta sugar daddy, as well as friend with benefits, but now... Well, if he can live without me, I can live without him! Girl Power! ;) K, so it's not that bad, lol, but I'm serious. I've done enough freaking out, and over-thinking, and making excuses. Here's to that Summer of '05 I talked about a few posts ago, and its reinstatement as of...right now!
P.S: I know I'm better off without him, specially since he was a "friend with benefits", but still...I cared about him, and he's hilarious. But that's not the point here. The point is, I should be treated better than that, and I'm settling and that's exactly what everyone around me PLUS the book He's Just Not That Into You don't want me to do. So yea. Summer '05, baby! again...

2005-06-23T10:37:00.000-06:00

I've taken this before, but my score went up from 81% to 84%, so of course I had to post the new results! ;)

84% Of The Internet Loves Me!

I am loved by 84% of the population, including:
56547 people who love tall people
40506 people who love quiz makers
49176 people who love people who like cake

In return, I love 19% of the population, including:
43982 happy people
15450 men
59770 students

show the love at spacefem.com

2005-06-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

Bubble Gum!

Is it normal for the guy who changes your oil to leave his card in your car? With a personal message on the back? And a smiley face on the front? I think he might like me. lol That was a GREAT start to my day. Which, I didn't start at noon, like usual. Instead, it was about 9 AM. Whoot. As well as getting my mom to buy me some bubble gum-smelling Hello Kitty car air fresheners. *big smile* And it's not even 11 yet! *gasp*

2005-06-16T22:30:00.000-06:00

*Rakkel blushes*

Why is she blushing, you ask? Well...it's all Carrie's fault! lol To quote a convo we just had about what I might could do to Garrett when I visit her in DFW:
CaT: are you gonna tell that boy what you think of him? and then kiss him and run away?
CaT: come on now that would be fun -- like a hit and run!
CaT: oh i know you could do it -- and it would be awesome!
CaT: i dont have the guts for stuff like that -- so i have to live through you
CaT: ok... so we hang with him on monday -- and then as you are about to leave instead of the mushy ushy goodbye, just run up throw your arms around him... uhhh do your business and then run out jump in the car and I'll speed off.

What has this girl put into my head?!?! Get it out, get it out! No, wait......no, no...get it out! lol

And then, later on in the convo, after the subect had been changed:
CaT: you know you want to kiss him
CaT: and he knows it too
CaT: hit and run

GAH!!! LOL That's just cruel! Who can guess what Rakkel will be dreaming about tonight? *sigh* lol Night guys...

Oh, and a special shout out goes to Cory tonight. I don't really know why, but I talked to him tonight, and it just hit me that I really, really miss that guy. I mean, I always do, I love him, but tonight it was really prominent for some reason. So, Cor, where ever you are, (actually he just took off to go clubbing--wish I were there! lol), I hope you are doing wonderful, exceptional, and looking fabulous! I love you and miss you so much!

2005-06-15T16:04:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

that goes out to my home girl KBARNES!! Whoot! She turns the BIG 1-9 today! :) Hope today is a good one for ya girl! You deserve it!

On another wonderful note, Le Gareat called me yesterday!! We talked for about 25 minutes all together. I knew he'd call me. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. And then R. Head called me wondering if I knew where a good sushi place was in Fort Worth. lol Nope. Sorry I was of no help. ;) That happened when me and my step-brother were on out way to the drive-in to see Madagascar, and Unleashed. The double feature actually was Monster in Law, but we just turned on the car, whipped around, changed the radio station, and watched the J Li movie instead of the J Lo one. hehe Ya like that? I made that up. lolol Moving on. Well, actually, that's all I got. Later all!

2005-06-12T23:37:00.000-06:00

Got this from Carne's xanga!

A - Age you got your first kiss: How old was I in 8th grade?
B - Band listening to right now: Spoken
C - Cats or Dogs: Cats
D - Dad's name: Robert
E - Easiest person to talk to: Cory; when he's not being difficult. ;)
F - Favorite bands at the moment: Switchfoot, Seven Places, Relient K, Thousand Foot Krutch
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Gummy bears stuck on your face!
H - Hometown: Abilene, Tejas
I - Instruments: used to play the xylephone and piano, and three cords on guitar lol
J - Junior High Crush: Andrew McNeill (whom I ended up dating our senior year)
K - Kids: smell
L - Longest car ride ever: Road trip alone to A&M to see Cory. My voice was shot from singing so much on the way. lol
M - Mom's name: Cheryl (Carrie: yours too?!)
N - Nicknames: Rachie, Rackle, Raykle
O - One wish: Hmm. I wish...that all whom I love would know, really know the love and power which Jesus has to offer.
P - Phobia[s]: anything that can bite/sting/kill me...close, fast-moving traffic...and electric windmills
Q - Quotes: "Hokay, so here's the ____. That is a sweet ____, you might say." (using ebaum's world in everyday life) "All I have is some coopins!" (Ron White goodness) "Now I can't use my pantyhose!" (my step-brother whilst playing Munchkin)
R - Reason to smile: God is good. All the time! God is good!
S- Last song you heard: the songs off the new Spoken CD "A Moment of Imperfect Clarity"
T - Time you woke up [today]: 11:30 pm
U - Unknown fact about me: I may seem confident enough, but in certain situations, I can be extremely insecure. But don't worry, I'm working on it. Summer of '05, baby!
V - Vegetable you hate: Lettuce
W - Worst habit(s): I bite my nails, though not as bad as I used to. And constant lack of motivation.
X - X-rays you've had: My teef.
Y - Yummy food: Japanese food, specifically ramen and gyoza. I also LOVE seafood and pasta.
Z - Zodiac sign: Well, I don't believe in any of that stuff...but because you asked nicely, I'm a Leo.

2005-06-12T23:06:00.000-06:00

"Now I can't wear my pantyhose!"

Today my step-sister, step-brother, and two of their cousins came over to our house and we went fishing. I caught some minnows. lol The cousins, Jared and Jon were so much fun! I want to hang out with them again sometime. :) Then, we were all done "catching" fish and playing with clay, we came inside and played Munchkin. Weird, but fun game described as a tasteless, parody of D&D". And it was just that. Fun stuff, folks. :) And today is the day that my step-brother moved in with us. This is the first time ever that I have a sibling to live with. Don't get me wrong, it's not all that bad, he's a fun, cool, yet nerdy, guy. lol It's just that I've never had to share a bathroom, etc with anyone before. We'll she how it goes. :) Also, it'll only for about a week anyway. Since I'm moving to Abilene here soon. So yea. That's my life as of late. Hope everyone's having fun out there in computer land. I would also like to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the very cool CARRIE TUNNELL!!! She turns 20 today, June 13th. And the week is crazy, cuz last Wednesday was Andrew's birthday, and this next Wednesday is Kandy's birthday. lol But, sssh, don't tell anyone...I didn't give Andrew anything but a voice message/song, and prolly won't get Kandy anything but a home-made card. Compared to Carrie's AWESOME presento. *wink* lol Anywho. Night yall!

2005-06-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

What up!

Guess where I'll be in about one week. My own house in Abilene livin' wit mah home girl (no really, she's pretty ghetto) KBarnes! In da house! Well, not yet; but soon! lol I'm pumped. It'll just be til the end of summer, prolly about a week into August, when my cousin comes back to go to school at McMurry. Fun times are ahead. *big smile* Catch ya later!

2005-06-07T22:52:00.000-06:00

Ann-uh-may or Ah-nee-may?

Had fun yesterday at Blake's house watching hordes of anime. lol Soul Hunter - Complete Collection, to be exact. Not really my fave kind of anime, but it's not all that bad, and we'll be getting together to finish up the series here in a day or two. On top of the anime-fest, I helped him put his new earring back into his ear. This is a feat I've accomplished countless times, and I decided it was my job to help him out...by telling him exactly what it would feel and sound like once he had correctly reinserted the tiny piece of metal. (aka, pain and a pop) hehe He didn't look too encouraged, BUT he did it, and I was proud of him. And then he called me today to brag that he had again put his earring back in after it's absence from his ear for a few hours. This is because he just got a job that doesn't want him to have any piercings. Well, that would be fine and dandy for someone like me, who's had her piercings for a while, but he just got his three weeks ago. He can't just be going around taking it out and putting it back in all day, everyday. That's also why we shopped for those clear retainers for your ears. The first place we looked, Hot Topic, was the only place in the whole mall who had em in 18G. They weren't very cheap, neither. Oh well, at least he knows now what I was talking about and where to go buy them. :) Silly boy.

P.S: Whoever can tell me how many piercings I have and, specifically, where they all are, will get a prize from me! Whoot! Well, don't get too excited, but it'll be fun, I promise. Respond in the comments, and also leave who your fave movie star/anime character/singer/etc is. Thanks, and good night!

2005-06-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

Name 20 people you know:
#1: Blake
#2: TL
#3: Cory
#4: Kandy
#5: Andrew
#6: Josh
#7: Adam
#8: Becca
#9: Makayla
#10: Carrie
#11: Robert
#12: Garrett
#13: Aaron
#14: Mo
#15: Crystal
#16: Casey
#17: Katie
#18: Jason
#19: Austin
#20: Carolyn

* Is #9 a boy or a girl? Gurl
* Who is #8 going out with? no one
* Would #12 and #2 make a cute couple? haha Quite possibly.
* How about #13 and #4? I'd have to say yes! He's her type.
* What grade is #17 in? Just finished her first year in college.
* When was the last time you talked to #11?: Last Chi Alpha meeting.
* What is #6's favorite band? Hmm, probably Metallica.
* Does #1 have any siblings? Yes, one older sister.
* Would you ever date #3? lol Well, not now, but I have before.
* Would you ever date #7? Ok, so both these dating questions landed on gay guys. That's just not fair. LOL
* Is #16 single? Prolly. She has commitment issues. ;)
* What's #15's last name? Oh gosh! She's my Big, and, wait...Dunbar! Yes!
* What's #10's middle name? Ann; I don't think it's got an 'e'. ?
* What's #5's favorite thing to do? Sleep, and/or play video games. Ya know, the regular guy stuff.
* Is #13 hot? Ya know...even though he's my cousin, I must say 'affirmative'. :)
* Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? lol That'd be cute.
* What school does #20 go to? TCU, baby!
* Tell me a random fact about #12? He has a cowlick. hehe
* And #1: He doesn't tell his mom he shops at Hot Topic.
* And #3: He used to be obsessed with Blue October.
* Have you ever had a crush on #15? Hmm, girl crush:yes, actual crush:no. lol
* Where does #9 live? Lincoln, Nebraska
* What's #4's favorite color? black
* Would you makeout with #14? whoa whoa whoa That's a negator!
* Are #5 & #6 best friends? They don't know each other, but I could definitely see them getting along pretty well.
* Does #7 like #20? They also don't know each other, but I'd have to say no. Adam doesn't like girls that way.
* Does #8 like #19? No, she doesn't particularly find him attractive.
* How did you meet #2? Whoot for being mah freshman roomie!
* How did you meet #18? Christ Fellowship
* Is #12 older than you? Yea, by about...oh....ten years. hehe
* Is #11 the sexiest person alive, or what? I must say he's not that bad lookin'. ;)

2005-06-04T23:44:00.000-06:00

He's Just Not That Into Me

Yesterday, I read the book that I have linked to in today's title. I read the book in one day; actually less. I never do that. About the only other book I've done that with was my fave book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I say 'was', because, well, it WAS my fave book. Now, my fave is the aforementioned one. Hands down. Why? Because it is tough love, and empowering, yet not ego-feeding, all at the same time. So wonderful. And EXACTLY what I needed in this time in my life. So, the answer to my last post: Yes, Summer of '05 HAS officially begun, and is currently going in the direction I want to go. And who cares if a certain someone didn't ever call me back? Maybe, just maybe "he's just not that into me". And I happen to (now) be okay with it. *smiles a gorgeous smile*
Oh, and that cute guy I met the other day whom I want to get to know more about and hang out with. No. If he wants to get to know more about me, he can find my number a multitude of ways. I refuse to pursue him. What's the fun in that? If he's meant for me, he'll get ahold of me. It's as simple as that. Too bad it took a book to finally convince me of that. lol
*smiles again* Goodnight all.

2005-06-01T11:23:00.000-06:00

Hey good folks out there in Computer Land.

I haven't updated you in a while have I? Yea, I guess I've been falling down on my entertain-you duties. j/k Anywho, here's an update, whether it be long-awaited or not:

I met up with Kandy for lunch. Hilarious as always. I really need to call that girl back up and hang out again. I miss her. :)

I hung out with Andrew at his grandparents' house a few times last week. Fun times there. They took us out to see the new Star Wars movie and then Chili's afterwards. Again, fun times. Boy, I sound excited don't I? If not, it's because I'm...well, let's just be blunt here. And this isn't like I'm being negative or complaining; this is just when I'm finally getting all my thoughts together in a sensible order. Here we go. I've told some of you some of this before: I like having a boyfriend because I like doing things of myself for him. For example: If I were talking about dying my hair, and said-boy kinda curls his lip up and doesn't think the certain color is a good choice, I would then agree with him, and change my mind. Even if he insists it's my choice, and what he thinks doesn't matter. Why do I do this? Not completely sure. But that is the way my mind works. Also, and I thought that this was universal, but apparently not, when you call said-boy, you would expect to be called back if you left a voicemail asking him to do so. Hmmm. No. Not the way he works, I guess. This puts said-girl into an awkward situation where she starts feeling very insecure and telling herself things (that aren't true) that she believes are true. Whatever. All of this is a sick, vicious cycle that I'm tired of, yet lapse into every chance I get. So, my point? Here's to the Summer of '05. Or better yet, called The-Summer-That-Rakkel-Finally-Decides-To-Stop-Being-Who-She-Thinks-She-Should-Be-And-Starts-Being-Who-She-Really-Is-And-Is-OK-With-It of '05.

Cheers.

2005-05-28T22:33:00.000-06:00

Is your quizzie as hard as your testie?

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.

But the Director had looked at his watch, "Ten to
--Brave New World

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?

An empty cup.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?

The Patriot (edited version)

4.Without looking, guess what time it is.

12:00 am

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

11:37 pm

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

The dogs randomly barking outside.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?

I was last outside at 6 o'clock at my grandparents' house.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?

An IM to Kandy.

9: What are you wearing?

My Juarez shirt and blue, terry-cloth shorts.

10: Did you dream last night?

I think so, but I can't particularly remember what.

11: When did you last laugh?

Looking at pictures of Austin a few hours ago.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Name it. Corsages, posters, crosses, mirrors, stuffed animals on shelves, books, magazine pages, awards, pictures, and Japanese stuff.

13: Seen anything weird lately?

Yea. My stupid, suicidal, narcoleptic betta trying to eat one piece of fish food. How long did it take him? He never ate it. I got that piece out and put in another. Stupidhead.

14: What do you think of this quiz?

Kinda like it. It's different than the others I've taken over and over.

15: What is the last film you saw?

The Aviator

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

My own place in the city. I'm tired of this living-with-the-parents crap.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know.

I just cut and dyed my hair again. And it's awesome, if I may say so myself.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Everyone would be a Christian moderate. Hey, you said, 'regardless of politics'.

19: Do you like to dance?

Love it! And I am an official member of the "Everyone knows just how white you are the minute you start dancing" group on thefacebook. :)

20: George Bush: Is he a power-crazy nutcase or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?

Like I said earlier, Christian moderate.

21a: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Serena Michelle ______

21b: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Darien Sean ______

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?

I've tried it, in Japan. It was okay. But my personality doesn't really shine in another culture, so I'll plant my butt right here. :) Unless I'm called to go on another mission trip!

2005-05-24T14:42:00.000-06:00

Blame Cory. ;)

I only post these cuz I see them on Cory's site. lol

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

Sorry I haven't updated recently. I've been kinda busy, kinda not. I guess you could say I'm doin alright. Lata!

2005-05-18T22:47:00.000-06:00

"Throw up your rockfist!" --or not

TFK wasn't there!! AAAHH! Oh well. John Reu and Pillar put on a good show. 1-10 Concert Rating: 7.4

2005-05-18T22:35:00.000-06:00

"Keep in touch."

Hmm. Like how-so? Call once a week? Once every other week? 'Forget' about him until school starts back up? *sigh* Or am I just making this too diificult for myself? Grrr... I could be taking this harder though. I mean seriously. I could be all going off about how I finally find a guy who makes me happy, where I feel safe in his arms, and I don't feel like I'm settling for something at all...and here I am 150 miles away from him for the next three months. Ok...so maybe I am a little upset. But would you blame me?

I (still) miss you Garrett! *pouts*

2005-05-16T21:43:00.000-06:00

"Bye sweetie..."

So, I called him, and told him to put my cell number in his phone, so he'd recognize it now. And then he said he was closing shop and asked if he could call in a day or two... Well, of course! lol I'm such a giggly school-girl right now. *sigh* So happy. I'm going to bed. I might go see Andrew tomorrow if I get up early enough. :) Night all!

2005-05-15T19:07:00.000-06:00

Your Mom Likes SDS.

Ok yall. I miss Garrett. A lot. Friday night was pretty fun up at the FROG. Seventh Day Slumber performed, as well as some really talented opening bands. Then, when SDS was ending their set, the lead singer talked about his past as a suicidal drug addict, and related to us his expierence converting to loving Jesus. He had asked people to sit on the floor, and I was next to Garrett during this whole thing, and...is he crying? omg... Apparently this was hitting Garrett somewhere soft in his heart...because he was crying. It was beautiful. Then, SDS gave an altar call to be saved, as well as just get some things in your life straightened out, and Garrett went up there. Wow. It was all done, and the only thing I could think to do was rub his back, kinda saying and meaning that I was there for him. Above all else, I really just wanted to be there for him right then. And I'm glad I was. Then, after we hugged four, long times...he got me a DP and I said goodbye to the other employees...and as I was headed out the door, he followed after me and told me to call him so he could program my number into his phone...and then I walked away... And will see him again in "three long months". *sigh* Yall are going to have to help me get used to not having him...to be there to hold me. For the first time in a very, very long time I had that feeling of not wanting to move when I'm in his arms. So warm. So safe. All for me. Ok, this isn't helping me. lol I keep saying I'm trading him for Andrew this summer...but though it'll help, it just won't be the same. But Becca also brought up a good point when she mentioned Austin coming back in the fall. Oh no. What will happen then? Will I be torn between two guys I feel for? For either of them, it's not love...but it's more than nothing, ya know? And it's so much more plausible with Austin...but is it? Is it even a good idea to be with either one of them? But I can't imagine my life without Garrett playing at least a minor role in it... And though the thought of Austin still sends me off the high dive of goodness -lol- I have been able to survive a whole semester of zero contact with the boy... And though it was a little difficult, at least it's prepared me if I were to never see him again. -that gives me chills just to type- What is this feeling? The word 'love' is scary if you're to use it too seriously at my age...yet, something's there. Something very strong. And magnetic. And all I want to do is give in to it... But I can't do that when I'm not around them anymore... When I'm not going to be around any of them for three. long. months. *sigh* I'll be okay. Soon enough.

2005-05-08T20:48:00.000-06:00

Trevor, who?

Trevor from high school! How weird is that? Their band, Levi Smith, is awesome yall. Really, really awesome. :) 1-10 Concert Rating: 9.6 Yea, they were that good.

Poor Man's Riches was pretty cool. I got to work their merch table. They gave me a free tank-top, and Garrett bought me a wrist band, two stickers, and a poster that I got all the guys to sign. And I apparently left a mark on them with my gang, The Rachillin's. lol You'll just have to see my gang sign. It's awesome...though, for some reason, no one wants to join this awesome gang of mine. Oh well, the bassist from PMR is in it! lol 1-10 Concert Rating: 8.5

1-10 Garrett Rating: 11 *big smile*

2005-05-03T13:06:00.000-06:00

Oh so sweet third kisses...

I really like Garrett. I'm positive he likes me. I've only got two weeks of school left. Dag nabit.

But on a lighter note, I'm done with my tests and finals this week, and only need to concentrate on studying for my upcoming ones. Which are: English portfolio due on Tuesday, and our group presentation is Monday. Astronomy final on Wednesday (the one I'm concentrating on most), and Japanese final on Friday, as well as packing in order to leave at 9:45 Saturday morning with my mommy. :) It's all coming together. And I'm starting to really look forward to seeing all my friends back home again. Mainly Blakey and Andrew, and me and that KBarnes girl need to git together, too!

Soon. Very soon. Lata!

PS: TCU Island Party was also pretty fun. Grits put on a very good performance.
1-10 Rating: 7.8

2005-04-29T12:47:00.000-06:00

My Aliases

Your movie star name: Chocolate Bill

Your fashion designer name is Rakkel Milan

Your socialite name is Ray-Ray Dallas

Your fly girl / guy name is R Ski

Your detective name is Beta Jim Ned

Your barfly name is Reese's Parrot Bay

Your soap opera name is Marie Grouse

Your rock star name is Sweetarts Light

Your star wars name is Racgeo Skiaus

Your punk rock band name is The Full Spiral

2005-04-26T21:02:00.000-06:00

Flag Football Concussion

Island Party was sooo awesome! And so was formal! Even though my date had gotten a concussion that day playing FLAG football. Yea. He's okay now, though. All is well. Sorta. lol Here's me and Jay, and here's Carrie and Josh. We all went together to Macaroni Grill, and then over to the mansion where the formal was held. :) Jason talked about Amanda back home...and I talked about Austin. :) So we definitely know now that we are fun, good friends, and nothing more. It was amusing. I also talked about Austin today with Carolyn. I've been thinking about him a lot lately...hmmm. I really miss him, you guys.
Moving on: I have a current replacement. lol So...this guy who works down at The FROG... He flirts with everyone, right...and is sarcastic with everyone...and gives hugs to a few other girls, not just me. But...today... lol He hugged me, and said something about being manhandled, and my response was something along the lines of tapping the wall, and saying something about not getting upset if I was manhandled by him (something like that, but it wasn't nearly that direct), and his immediate response was to blush! And he said I was blushing, too... And that moment, was like...the discerning moment...that it all came out that I liked him and he liked me. lol I don't really know how to explain it...but you could just tell. Well...okay, I can kinda explain it by saying, we were all over each other (in a good way) for the next three hours. Like, normally, we flirt and then I give him a hug before I leave, with no one around, and all is good. But this time...with my roommate and a few other people coming in and out, I was sitting and he came from behind me and hugged me and I layed my head on his arms, and when I was on the computer, he was leaning over looking at what I was doing, and I rested my elbow on his knee.....ya know...small stuff like that, that means a lot. Gosh, I don't know. I could be reading too deep into this for all I know. But what I do know, is it was fun...and I wanna do it again. *giggle*