Monday, October 08, 2007

Suicide Note

Garrett tried to commit suicide. Right now I have no clue whether he will live or die. I have no clue what the will of God is in this situation, and I'm desperate to know...or not know...or just to have an answer...that I might not want to know or hear...

I've cried plenty over it...and I want to cry more and more. It feels good to cry like this.
I think of the good times, and a smile crosses my face. I think of him in his current state, and the tears well up.....

Elipses seem to capture the moment. It's just a numb state I feel. Until the pain is great enough that I start to cry. And want to reach out and tell him how much he's loved...and then wonder how he forgot that. I think about what could have happened to him...to take him to such a dark place. Then I wonder if he was always that way...even when he was smiling and around me.

I love him. So much. I'll tell anyone that.
But maybe I shouldn't tell James that....
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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Guys, I've been having a bad past few weeks. I've just kinda been down and slightly depressed a lot it seems. And a lot of it is just stuff inside my head. Me getting to me. Ya know?
Like, Dirk spent the night twice in those two weeks, and was really nice, but it doesn't need to happen again. And I'm glad Carrie said something or else it might have just gotten worse. but get this. I've sent him a few texts recently, and haven't heard back from him. That doesn't happen with him. He always always replies with something. Important words or not, it's still a response... So I'm not sure what's going on there. Doing my best to not read in to anything... Whatever.
Things with Curt didn't turn out as I had hoped, but not hard/awkward feelings, so we're good to go.
We met this guy while helping a friend move out of her apt, and we've been hanging out with him a ton ever since. He's starting to annoy me. And I don't know what to do about it.
I hate drama.
Finally played Guitar Hero. Lots o' fun. I plan on getting a PS2 now.
Going on a cruise soon where I'm going to have to be the camera girl nearly 24/7. Excited. Nervous. And more.
Mom says I should dress nice. But I feel fat and not cute in so much that I own. I do need to dress better...but I just never get the urge.
Saw Austin, and nearly everyone else from 2007 graduate yesterday. Very excited about all of that. Got to hug Austin twice. My day was made. lol
I'm going to a concert tonight. Pretty excited. Trying to find others to go with me. Why is that so hard?
Ok...I'm going to catch up on Lost I guess.
Peace!
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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Whoooo

Probably going to a party tonight. Gonna be fun. Whee.
Kinda feel bad about not going to work as much as I should have this week. Oh well. Too late now. Might just say I was sick on Friday, but I truly do hate to lie. So, I guess we shall see.
Story of the week:
I got a new computer!!! Whooooo! It's a Sony Vaio. Which I've been wanting one of ever since I saw the first commercial for them. I feel so cool. Now I just have to transfer all the files on my old comp onto this one. Ya know, things like games, torrent stuff, pictures, and music. Currently still trying to figure all those details out. :) Horrah!
Went shopping at Hot Topic the other day. Got some great layering stuff. I feel proud. lol
Oh yea! Last Monday me, Car, and Mak all rode the train to Dallas and then rode the dart as north as lover's lane looking for a kinko's. Never found one, so we just turned around and came back home. It was so much fun! Reminded me a lot of my time in Japan and our times on the train. Pretty darn cool.
After that, me and Kris went on our date. I know I mentioned it last blog, but I guess I could give you more details now. He was currently house sitting for a family with a VERY nice house. We went to Pei Wei, then over to the house, where I beat him in pool (mwahahaha) and then we tried to watch SAFE (horrid movie) and then we went hot tubbing. We sat on our separate sides of the hot tub, and chatted a bit. It was quite enjoyable.
There you go. I'm gonna get back to watching TV now. lol I am always ever-so-productive on Saturdays. Hmm. Oh well.
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Thursday, March 15, 2007

My dearest apologies...

So so so much has happened in the last few months since I wrote in here. I sometimes long to write in here again. To get all my emotions and feelings out onto the page. It helps me deal with them that much easier. It really does feel like a release sometimes to get all this stuff out. And I can't do it on myspace ot facebook. Those are way too public to be able to write anything of importance to me, unless it involves piercings and the like. Which, by the way, just for reference sake, I got my lip pierced last Tuesday night! I loved it the most that night. And it's growing back on me, I guess. I do like it, I'm just trying to get used to it. And I keep wondering if it'll push away that one guy that might be the One. And then I step back and think how silly that is, that such a trivial thing as a piercing would turn away the one God has for me.
But still. I'm very curious who that One is.
I can tell you it wasn't Neo. That ended at the end of January. As weird as it sounds, he just liked me way too much. Then me and Ricky got "back together". Chatting and hanging out and such. Not a good idea, at all. Haven't talked to him much since his girlfriend broke up with him. Not really missing him.
Then me and Kris starting talking more than usual. And flirting using facebook, myspace, aim, Anaba (my rabbit I got on Valentine's day...for myself!), you name it. And then he asked me out on a date last Monday. It went very well, and then me, him, Mak, Car, and Josh all when for Sushi and beers last night. And that pretty fun, too. The girls were asking me if we were together, and I had to explain to them that me and Kris are just hanging out for now and we're gonna see if anything comes of it. And I told them that I want something to come of it, but we'll find out. And you know, I like it like that. No more jumping into relationships. I wanna start taking my time. And I've noticed I tend to take more time when I'm starting to get into a relationship I could see going somewhere. So there. I'll try my best to keep you updated. PROMISE.
I've been working at the radio station and at the TV station since the new year. And all that is going fabulously. I interviewed Underoath! Fabulous! *big smile*
Went to R-san's birthday party last weekend. Sooo much fun. One of the best ever. Prolly because I got to hug Derek at the end. And I always love doing that. The whole making out with the guy who's name I can't remember. Not so cool. But whatever. I'm not focusing on it. And I didn't even want to make out that night. I'm kinda proud of myself. Not gonna lie.
Anyway. I guess that's all for now. I'm currently listening to my school's radio station cuz Kris and his roomy are on right now being total dorks. It's fabulous. Here goes!!!
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Monday, November 20, 2006

Ok. So here I sit. Having not blogged in absolutely forever. And myspace does NOT count. Thing is, even in that I haven't blogged but just a few times. So here I am again. Missing you, my dearest blogspot, and the ways in which you have always been that listening ear for me at any time of day for the past 5 years. You are so faithful, and I have not been such to you. Ok. I think that's enough of that. lol Let's move on to what's happened to me in the past few months, shall we?

Hokay. As for that whole Dirk thing...it's over. And it's been over since before school began. We dated for a whole two weeks. Wow. lol It was fun while it lasted though, and he was a complete and total sweetheart. I couldn't have asked for more. So, why did we break up, you ask? Because it just wasn't right. I guess since I've been single for so long, I'm really holding out for relationships that really mean something. And me and Dirk, well, I really really liked him, buuut, I just could NOT see us staying together forever, ya know? And not that I'm looking to get either engaged or married right now in the least, but I still have to keep it in mind...I AM graduating college soon! (less than a month!) I feel I can't just be wasting my time dating this guy and that guy. So, moral of the story, I broke up with him, he agreed it was probably the right thing to do, and we continue to talk and hang out to this day. It's all good.
Story #2: Drew. Wow. What do I say about that? He came into my life. Stirred it up a bit. Lied to me a bit. And then disappeared. He's gone. I'm better for it. Moving along.
Story #3: Ricky. Again, wow. I worked with him at the movie theatre, and after I quit we got to talking a lot on AIM. We were attracted to one another and began to act on it...even though I knew he had a girlfriend. --bad Rakkel!-- We had many, many convos on AIM and then he started acting weird and kinda girly and I realized I was only using him trying to get some emotional and physical "intimacy" in my life, so I finally cut that off. Hm. That's the second guy I cut off and out of my life in three months. Thank goodness it hasn't become a pattern. This proven by...
Story #4: Neo. Who is amazing. I met him at a Halloween party where I was dressed as a goth, or as we like to call it, Trinity. *big smile* I noticed his awesome costume, and how cute he was (which he doesn't think so! ?!), and started talking to him. Carrie came out of the house and said there was dancing inside so I asked him to dance, and he actually agreed to! I was shocked! So we danced, and after a little while, I could tell he wasn't really into it like some other guys (though, they might have been a little too into it...) Well, to be blunt, I wanted to kiss him, so I bluntly asked if he ever kissed girls at parties. He said no...and that he had never been kissed beofre. Ah! What do I do?! Do I take his NBK membership away?! Do I just keep dancing?! Ah! lol Well, he was pretty darn cute and he was being a gentleman, soooo I kissed him. A lot. hehe Soon after, we parted ways and me and Carrie went home. He found me on facebook not too long after and then asked me out on a date for Wednesday. We went and had such a good time! P.S: Borat=NOT a good (date) movie. Then I hung out at his house the next Friday where he asked when it could all be considered official. That's a good question. I don't know. College dating is still all so weird and new to me, ya know. So, I said "it's official when you ask, I guess." To which, he replied, "can it be official?" lol He's so cute.
And so there we were. Three days and two dates in; boyrfriend and girlfriend. A little quick, I kinda think, but everything is going smooth and slow, so I don't have any objections. Then came meeting the family. I know, I know. I know what you're thinking, but it's cuz they were so excited to meet his first girlfriend and he said his mom had actually never been up to see him, so I was comfortable with the whole situation. I met his brothers, his brother's girlfriend, his mom, and his mom's boyfriend. His brother Anthony kept looking at me and I'd catch him and he look away and smile. You could tell he was kinda in shock that his twin brother had a girlfriend. Maybe he was checking to see if I was genuine? Like Neo's a millionaire or something. lol I don't know, but I found it funny, and tried to make the whole situation as least awkward as possible. :)
So there you have it. I'm dating a very cute band nerd. And I like it! --END--
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